As I watch CNN describe the lake effect snow hitting the region (visibility: zero in some Great Lakes regions) and as an annual sufferer of seasonal depression, I’m going to come up with a game plan now before it’s too late.

I never really suffered from seasonal depression back in Pittsburgh. I don’t know why – driving around Southwestern Pennsylvania in the snow is asking for not just trouble, but a set of new tires. In fact, beginning with the first snowfall, there isn’t a driver in sight back home who sits farther than 6 inches from the steering wheel, occasionally wiping the fog off the windshield but adding more every time he or she swears. We swear a lot weaving through the hills, on ice.

But not until I came to Kent State did I get truly depressed in the winter. Maybe because the wind is so awful. I spend so much time weeping and sniffling through the winds that maybe those tears are accidentally convincing my attitude that I am very, very sad.

Whatever the reason, I hope to turn my winter blues into the best time this town has seen. Maybe it’s not a huge feat, though. This will be double the obstacle this year because not only are good times few in Kent winters, but money is tighter than ever. Time to get creative.

n Ever had a slushie shot? Me neither. I’m sure someone else has invented this, so I won’t take any credit for it, but it can’t be a bad idea. Get some snow out of a (clean) front yard and put it in a shot glass. Add liquor and shoot. This would probably work for mixed drinks as well. I will name them Sloshies. Because they’re like slushies only you get sloshed while drinking them. This will become a huge fad. I can see it already. In fact, I bet when I come back to Kent in 10 years (strictly by accident, I would really have no good reason to come back here), students will be walking around campus saying, “Dude, I can’t wait for winter so we can get SLOSHIED!” Then they’ll high-five or fist bump or whatever they do in 2018. Bump hovercrafts, perhaps.

&bull Sit in the front yard and point a hairdryer at cars (like a speed gun) and see how many slow down. I stole this off of a list online, but something tells me this would be really, really funny.

&bull For every tray you steal from a campus cafeteria to sled ride with, replace it with a real sled. Saucer sleds will hold soup better, FYI.

&bull The night before a major snowfall, lay as many coins as you’re willing to forget about for a few weeks or months out on the lawn. When it melts it will feel like you hit the jackpot, like finding a five dollar bill in a pocket of jeans you haven’t worn in awhile. And think of the headlines if you do this across campus: “Mother Nature solves financial crisis. Ski resorts decide to melt their slopes.” National hilarity.

&bull On your way to class, hold an umbrella upside down (rain rejecter becomes a snow acceptor) and catch as much snow as possible. When you get to class, add a little flavored syrup, pull some straws out of your pocket and share with classmates. This is a great bonding activity, so teachers really shouldn’t discourage it if they’re the type who made you say your name and an animal that describes you with that same first initial the first day of class.

&bull Use the wind to your advantage. If it’s so windy it could make your eyes water, keep your eyes wide open on the way to the bar. If you go by yourself and have the “I just cried for the past three days of my life” look, chances are any bartender with a heart will give you a couple of free drinks. Come prepared with a good sob story, but make it almost humorous so the bartender also has to turn around and make you drinks to keep from nearly laughing at you. A few good ideas include the death of your pet tropical bird who flew into the television screen while you were watching “The Jungle Book.”

&bull You know those people who never seem to know what the weather is going to be and they ask you basically every day? Lie.

&bull Borrow someone’s snow pants. Many times these pants are neon, so before you give them back, color your legs with a highlighter. Yell at the person for not washing the pants before they let you borrow them and that the wet snow made the dye on the pants color your legs. Demand either a few bucks for some expensive soap that gets neon dye off legs, or they can take you out to dinner.

&bull Wear as many jackets as you can to class. Then take up at least two rows in a lecture class to set these jackets on.

I hope this helps. Also keep in mind, getting Sloshied before each of these activities makes them even more fun. Happy winter.

Sarah Steimer is a junior magazine journalism major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].