Halloween is coming up. We’ve got like two weeks. I’ve talked to a lot of people who still have no idea what they want to dress up as. I don’t understand where everyone’s priorities are.

If you haven’t been thinking about Halloween for months, or at least weeks, you’re screwed. You’re going to be the kid who throws on normal clothes, buys a mask and goes as whatever. I say whatever because no matter what mask you buy, you’ll end up taking it off so your mouth is free for other Halloween activities, and it won’t matter that you bought it.

So I want to tell everyone to start thinking now. Forget about midterms and whatever the hell else is supposed to be happening in early November. There are more important things we must focus on if we want Halloween to be a success, such as: “When the hell is it?” “What will make you a better Joker than the next guy?” and “How bad will we freeze that night in our less-than-proper attire?”

I had my dog’s costume picked out back in May. Yeah, May. We bought a pattern at my mother’s mecca, Jo-Ann Fabrics, and had it finished by July. Dublin is going to be a dinosaur. The costume is a green fleece body suit with polka dots, spikes, a hood and tail. It’s a little tight on him, but you can tell by the way Dublin mopes around the house with it on that he just loves it. He’s very excited for Halloween because I’ve told him that all the girl dogs dress up in lingerie and wear wings. Dublin is a huge fan of lingerie and wings.

It wasn’t just a costume that we had to plan for this year’s celebration. I made sure that Dublin understood from the get-go that he must fully commit to his costume of choice. He took my advice seriously, as opposed to how he takes my advice about where and when to excrete waste, and started preparing. He already has the reptilian bite and roar down because he’s had since May to perfect it. He hasn’t eaten anything except for raw meat and the occasional fern in months, and he’s cold blooded now. True dedication, I know.

If you don’t know what you’re going as, how do you expect to pull off an authentic look? I don’t mean to yell; I’m just seriously concerned for some of you. Dublin didn’t learn to control his own blood temperature in a week, and it took him an entire summer to acquire a taste for ferns. Do you think you can decide two days before Halloween that you’re going as a pirate and expect to master their lingo or grow your scruffy beard out before the actual night? You hadn’t thought of that, had you? Didn’t think so.

To complement my canine friend, I’ve decided to go as a cavewoman. My thorough research of cavepeople times has shown that cavewomen typically wore sultry leopard clothing, furry winter boots and skull necklaces. They usually had that just-woke-up-but-amazingly-still-sexy look that most celebrities have in movies. They wore gold glitter in their hair to attract cavemen and walked around in downtown cavepeople cities on the same night in October, then “Cavetober,” each year.

I’m so excited about Halloween this year. It’s going to be lots of fun because I’ve put forth a lot of effort and planned ahead. I’ve taken time to properly examine cavewomen appearance, behavior and history. Dublin has committed to a new diet. What have you done?

Kristine Gill is a junior newspaper journalism major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected] with your sweet costume ideas.