I am dangerous.

Oh, so dangerous. I am destroying the United States of America. By reading this column, you are putting your life in jeopardy. I have deadly consequences. Because I exist, the United States will fall apart any day now. Just you wait and see. I want to indoctrinate children. I want to infiltrate the government. Other gays like me are everywhere. We will destroy this generation. We will destroy this nation. We are waiting for our moment to strike.

I’m going to call Condi Rice and tell her I want my own threat advisory system. Just like the current system, we’re not even going to consider the “low” and “guarded” levels – they were never designed to be implemented. “Elevated” was “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” Details magazine and the metrosexual movement. Those extraordinary queens and nellies at Stonewall in 1969, pelting those New York police officers with glasses and heels – that was “High.”

Yes, folks, we’ve reached “Severe.” Watch the fuck out. I’m going to hold my boyfriend’s hand when I’m shopping at Target. (When I find a boyfriend, that is.) I’m going to produce my little-gay-magazine-that-could, Fusion. (On newsstands, April 25.) I’m going to educate and hold my younger siblings responsible for the ignorance that society may instill in them. (“That’s so gay” will not slip out of their mouths.)

The decaying of the moral fiber feels fabulous when you put it this way. Fierce, almost. All those threat colors are like a new-age rainbow billowing on the surface of society’s struggle to contain me.

“The homosexual agenda is destroying this nation.”

Why, of course it is, Rep. Sally Kern, R.-OKL. Thanks for stating the obvious.

Kern shared this agenda with her constituents in the sooner to be later state.

“I honestly think it’s the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam.”

Damn, you caught us. You’ve ousted our terror cells, buried deep in the hearts of traditional American cities and towns.

Fuck Oklahoma. Look no further than our so-called liberal bastion of Kent State. Consider this comment posted on KentNewsNet.com just three days ago on a story entitled “Same-sex households forming new family portrait.” One commentator, Eddy, apparently, affirms the truth that is so clear to both himself and Kern – “Being ‘gay’ is not normal. It is a deviation and should not be encouraged. Otherwise it may lead to the downfall of Western society and culture.”

That’s so empowering. I’ve single-handedly been plotting the downfall of Western society for so long. The jig is up. I realized someone would call me on it eventually.

Oh, I am dangerous.

But I’m not going to blow you up. I’m not going to poison the water supply or mail powdered substances to your mailboxes. I’m not going to stab you. I’m not going to bash you for expressing who you want to be. I’m not going to kick your ass because you’re secure in your heterosexuality. I’m not going to call you a breeder or a hetero.

Hate speech perpetuates hate crimes: Hate crimes are terrorism.

I’m proud of the United States. I’m proud of America for endorsing the kind of inbred, twisted political religion that, according to a new public service announcement from Logo and FightOutLoud.org, has lead to the murder of a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender person every eight days this year.

“Stop it.

“None of us will be safe.

“Gay.

“Lesbian.

“Bisexual.

“Transgender.

“Straight.

“Stop it.

“It’s not OK to hate.

“Join me in the fight against hate and violence.” – All claims made by Logo’s PSA.

I’m dangerous because I’m so tired of this battle that hate seems to be winning.

“None of us are safe until all of us are safe.”

Adam Griffiths is a sophomore information design major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].