This column started with an instant message from a guy I fooled around with last semester.

“When’s the last time you were tested (for STDs)?” he asked me.

“Last month.” Oh boy, these conversations never end well.

“Honestly, did you have anything?”

“No.”

“Swear to God?”

“Yes. I just got an HIV test. Should I get tested for something else?”

“Yes.”

This is the point in the conversation where the muscles started to tense up.

I asked him for details, because chances are I know whoever has something and has sparked this concern, as all gays are separated by no more than two degrees of separation.

“My ex is telling me that he got tested before you and I did anything, and he had nothing. Then, after you and I did something, he got tested, and he had Chlamydia. So, I’m guessing you gave me Chlamydia, which in turn, I gave to him. So you may want to check that out.”

No shit, Sherlock.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, “Chlamydia is a common STD caused by the bacterium, Chlamydia trachomatis.” It’s also the most commonly reported STD in the United States.

“Did he have symptoms?” I typed urgently.

“Yeah, but they rarely show up in males.”

Which is true, and makes sense – “under-reporting is substantial because most people with Chlamydia are not aware of their infections and do not seek testing,” the CDC says.

“Have you been tested?” I asked him.

“No, not yet, but I was the only person he did stuff with during that time after being tested, and you were the only other person I did anything with. So I know I have it now.”

So I made my appointment, peed in a cup and called back in two days.

Negative.

So things, if not already suspicious, begin to look damn shady at this point. I filled my friend in.

“So, real quick,” he recapped. “If you don’t have Chlamydia, you didn’t give it to me.”

I’m glad the kid’s kindergarten teacher didn’t mess up too badly.

“So if you don’t have it, then that means he wasn’t too faithful either,” I suggested.

His test was scheduled for the next day, and I got a call around noon two days later telling me his boyfriend had been negative all along.

At this point, I wasn’t even surprised. A little angry, sure, but surprised? I mean, it’s only Chlamydia. Only 2.8 million Americans a year report it. It is treatable.

A joking matter, surely. But still, are you serious?

Lesson learned. Don’t sleep with boys who have significant others.

All that went down, and all I ended up diagnosing myself with was a headache.

Adam Griffiths is a sophomore journalism major and a columnist for the Summer Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].