The past four years have taught me a lot about life. The invaluable lessons I take away from Kent State I will treasure forever.

Blah, blah, blah.

Here is all you need to know about college life:

• Professors should never see you in your underwear (or Depends). It makes for an awkward meeting the next time you see them. Halloween is not an excuse.

• Don’t let friends write on you in permanent marker. If they do, make sure you don’t have to go anywhere important the following day. There is nothing like going to work with inappropriate things drawn on your arms and chest.

• Everyone likes a welcome lap dance. You should probably know the person if you are at a bar.

• Handicap signs do not make good make-out partners, but they will always be there for you.

• Steal as many grocery carts as possible.

• It is never, never, never OK to kiss a friend’s mom on the lips – it happens and it’s gross. Alcohol is not an excuse.

• “No shirt, no shoes, no service” signs do not require you to wear pants.

• Never tell a girl her pupils are big. She may be paranoid about her pores and will very likely hear “pores” when you say “pupils.” You might end up with a black eye.

• Small Group does not allow you to watch porn in large groups in the open lounges – even if you’re dressed like pirates.

• Stolen lunch trays don’t work well as sleds, but make a nice addition to your grocery carts.

• This one is for the girls: After a night of making out, when you wake up in the morning and the guy tries to kiss you, don’t say, “Ohh, I’m not drunk anymore.”

• Note to professors: Try not to talk to your students when they are peeing at a urinal. It’s very uncomfortable.

• On your 21st birthday, don’t let your friends trick you into drinking the Grecian Urn at The Loft by getting you a little drunk and calling it the “Rainbow,” or whatever they choose to call it. If the drink comes with a trash can and a glass of water, AVOID IT.

• When you are low on cash, American cheese singles with various condiments on top is always an option. Don’t roll it – you get fewer bites.

• Just because a girl is at a college party does not make her 18.

• Talk in a British accent when you drink. Example: “‘Ello poppit. My name is Benson Kinsley. I have to go to the bloody loo; me nappy is dirty.”

• If you are going to get your car towed, get it towed in the first two weeks. That way you can sell your books back for the money to get your car out.

• Powdered Toast Man outfits attract the ladies; the old woman costume does not.

Well, that is all, or at least all that can be publicly published . Cheers!

Trent Pheifer is design editor at the Daily Kent Stater and likes to pretend he is British. Contact him at [email protected].