I hate snobbery with an intense fervor, and would like to see my readership bond together and cause snobs worldwide to suffer in some unusual ways.

However, before we can make them cry, we need to identify a few varieties.

• Music snobs

Boy, do these people get under my skin. They come in all flavors, but the most common is the indie music snob. These individuals think they are unique because they listen to crappy, unsigned bands with names like “Grape Jelly Cretins” and “Pluto Fungus Toe.” They are not shy about listing every unknown garage band they’ve ever heard of in their MySpace/Facebook profiles under the “favorite music” category. I dislike these idiots not because they enjoy indie music, but because they think they are superior to those who listen to mainstream tunes. They tend to be smug when one declares an affinity for Jessica Simpson or The Fray, and can be observed snickering when the band U2 is mentioned. These reptilians are missing a vital point amidst all their “alt-music fan” self- importance: These unsigned bands remain that way because, generally, they’re terrible. It’s not because they are “fighting the man.” It’s because they aren’t good. If they were decent, they would be playing 233 times a day on 96.5 FM, and then their loyal indie fans would accuse them of being sell-outs. Popular music is popular for a reason, indie tools.

• Intellectual snobs

We’ve all encountered them at some point in our lives, and they are easily hateable. Usually developing their fragile egos in grade school after getting picked last for kickball for the millionth time, these clowns use their intelligence for evil. They make fun of people who aren’t good spellers and put down folks who enjoy reading Us Weekly. They believe they are better than the ignorant masses because they spend their weekends sitting on their brains, watching PBS and listening to NPR. There is nothing wrong with being smart or having knowledge – it’s a great thing. I wouldn’t be in grad school if I thought otherwise. However, when intellectual snobs use their God-given high I.Q. to mock the ignorance of others, my claws come out and I see red. Their condescension is intolerable.

• Image snobs

From their designer jeans to their expensive hair salon coiffure, every part of their exterior is calculated down to the most minute detail. That part doesn’t really bother me – it’s the rolling of the eyes, the twittering giggles and the blatant superiority they display when dealing with a person wearing tapered leg sweatpants and a T-shirt that says, “Ohio Trappers Association.”

How can we make these superior jerks pay? Well, I’ve found the best method is confrontation. They aren’t used to the people who they are mistreating speaking up for themselves, and it will take them by surprise. I advocate public confrontation and humiliation in these cases – it’s quite simple. As soon as the snob infraction occurs, in a very loud voice, ask them, “Why did you do that?” If there is not an apologetic response, please feel free to begin telling them, in detail, about how terrible they are. Usually, they will be frightened by this and run away, because they are weasels.

Don’t be surprised if you then hear the sound of uproarious applause.

Sarah Baldwin is a public relations graduate student and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].