You smell that Kent State? No, not the fat sweaty kid that always strategically sits next to your gorgeous self in class. It’s the smell of Ramadan, the Muslim holy month of purification.

The Stater did a great job yesterday explaining the month, but let me clear up some misconceptions. Apparently, word on the street is that it’s a boring uptight month where all we do is pray and abstain from food.

First of all, we fast from sunrise to sunset as a means of self-discipline and to show solidarity towards the unfortunate. By abstaining from food and water, fasting allows Muslims to become more self-conscious of their actions toward others. We’re also supposed to abstain from things like profanity, but I have to admit it’s really hard to when I have so many stupid people in my political science classes.

And if Bono from U2 hasn’t hammered it down your throats already, poverty is a severe world problem. Ramadan allows Muslims to think about others in need.

I had some moron come up to me once thinking that Muslims don’t eat food or drink water for the entire month! Apparently this kid didn’t pay attention in fourth grade science class.

Think about it. Look at how skinny I am. I need all the food I can get. Sally Struthers and Angelina Jolie would probably start a cat fight over who could adopt me first if I ever met them. I make Calista Flockhart look like Roseanne at a free food convention.

And dude, Ramadan is anything but boring. Once sunset hits and it’s time to break our fast, the parties begin. Food starts getting passed around like relationships with Paris Hilton. We Muslims know how to get down just like any of you other kiddies of faith.

But I have to admit, I am jealous of some of the other religious holidays out there. Christians have all sorts of cool stuff like Santa Claus, addicting egg nog and embarrassing visits from your Uncle Frank. Jews get docked a few points for rocking the dorky menorah candles, but they definitely make up for it with the dreidels. I still remember how many chocolate coins I hustled last time I played dreidels with my Jew-Crew.

Sometimes I wish us Muslims had something cool like that. All we have are dates, those wrinkly fruits that your great grandma eats while she watches taped episodes of Murder She Wrote. I love Ramadan with all my heart, but I could use some sort of catchy jingle like “Ahmad the red-humped camel” or something to sing during this month.

That’s why my friend and I invented the ultimate Muslim character during this holy month: Ramadan Ralph. For all the good boys and girls out there who keep their fast during the day, Ramadan Ralph will come to your home and reward you with bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos and those annoying Capri Sun juice boxes that not even David Blaine could open.

Some of you might be a little confused with the references to Flaming Hot Cheetos and Capri Sun juice boxes. But this is my fantasy, so don’t you judge me.

Oh well, I can only dream. At least I still have my daily parties to look forward to.

Aman Ali is a senior newspaper journalism major and the assistant Forum page editor for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].