It’s the column writing time of year again, and for all five of my devoted readers, the wait is finally over — I’m back. At the end of the spring semester in May, I was confident that my experiences and exploits during the summer would serve as the inspiration for several moderately interesting and offensive columns. Boy, was I wrong, unless anyone wants to read about what kinds of things not to mix with Southern Comfort or learning to play the banjo.

If you have made it this far into the column you might be wondering, “What kind of wacky crap does Bob have in store for the fall semester?” In a luke-warm attempt to keep people interested in what I try to pass off as a column these days, I have decided to put together my own fall preview! Everybody loves an intriguing movie trailer, and although this is absolutely nothing like that, you’re sure to enjoy the Bob Patrick Fantastic Fall Preview.

They said I wasn’t coming back. They said my columns were a waste of paper. I fought the system that tried to banish me from the pages of the Daily Kent Stater and force me into a life of blogging. This fall in the Stater, I return for one last shot at glory.

Incoming freshmen, this is the one column you need to read, trust me. I have been around Kent State for quite some time now, and I know the ropes. I will provide you with relevant and useful knowledge you can use everyday. Advice concerning how to sneak beer into dorms, how to play cruel pranks on RAs and security and how to get mediocre grades without really earning them are only a few topics I’m sure to touch on this fall.

This upcoming batch of columns will almost certainly be devoid of any real substance, opinions and social or political commentary. All of these so-called “opinions” that everyone feels he or she is entitled to make for boring reading and piss everyone off. I’ll continue to leave the whining, pretentious ranting to the real columnists. Think of this column as the “Daily Show” compared to CNN.

I understand what college students are looking for in a college newspaper — and it’s not news. This fall, I’ll serve up some of the usual suspects, like making fun of frats and the Undergraduate Student Senate. While that may never get old, I’m pulling out all of the stops for my new reader participation columns!

This fall, readers will have the chance to secretly write one of my columns for me when I don’t feel like it.

This is just a tiny sample of all the fun, misinformation and lowbrow humor that you can hope to see this semester from me. If you thought this column was a waste or your time, I can assure you that you haven’t seen anything yet.

Bob Patrick is a senior political science major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].

Editor’s note: Bob Patrick has traveled to New Orleans to aid in recovery efforts. His column will continue upon his return to Kent State.