Hi, everybody! You may remember me from some classic columns, where, typically, I’m too philosophical, use words that are too big, or trash all the socialists on this campus for being ignorant dill weeds. But such fancy thinking is gone for now. This is summer and I’m ready to let down my hair. (For you lucky ladies, I might also let my pants down.) Yep, I’m now a humor columnist. And since I’m such an experienced journalist, I’m going to give you ignorant slobs a quick lesson, so take your thumb out of your ass and listen close.

Being a humor columnist isn’t easy. First, you have to rid yourself of the urge to talk about anything authentic and focus only on yourself. So, like me with your mom, it’s really all about me.

Next, you have to oscillate (that’s a big word that means move between two things) between glorifying yourself (“I have a gigantic member and the Olsen twins should touch it.”) and hating yourself (“I’m so pathetic that I only took my cat to prom, and that wasn’t even the real prom, it was just one my mom put on for me in our living room.”)

Now, begin to attack other contributors to the Forum Page, be it columnists or letter writers. For example, one guy may hate Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, but you may love it.

And he might be like, “I want my money back,” and you might be like, “So, come and get it. I’ll give it to you,” and he’ll be like, “Dude, I was only trying to prove a point,” and you’ll be like, “So you won’t come and get the money?”

And he’ll be like, “It was only rhetoric, trying to prove that the movie isn’t worth the price of general admission,” and you’ll be like, “Yeah, so I’m right,” and he’ll be like, “No, man, you aren’t and saying you are is stupid,” and you’ll be like, “I’ve got a big hairy —”

After you’ve proven that you are incapable of making any real points, it is time to focus on obscure cultural references. For me, I like to watch elephant porn (it makes me think about Republicans getting freak-nasty) and the movie Troll 2. It was supposed to be called Goblin, because one scene shows the town’s name and it’s Nilbog, which is goblin backwards. I think it should be called Dwarf because that backwards makes “Frawd” (you know, like “fraud,” only spelled a little different).

Next, you have to push the line of what can be printed.

Vagina.

Also, only talk about yourself in the third person (“Jeff likes vagina.”)

Now, you’re nearing the end of the column, so bring it to close with either a preview of next week (“My favorite elephant mating positions”) or once again reference yourself (”Man, those Olsen twins really need to get on me … which, by the way, all you freshmen girls, is like … heaven.”)

Oh yeah, the only reason you should write columns is to use them to pick up freshmen girls.

P.S. If you laughed at any of this, you’re pathetic.

Jeff Schooley is a graduate English student and columnist for the Summer Kent Stater. He hates socialists and people who aren’t funny. Contact him at [email protected].