Everyone has dating deal breakers

Credit: Andrew popik

Small penises.

Small fingers.

Small gaps between teeth.

But one small thing can be one big problem — the deal breaker.

The deal breaker. That one thing you just can’t tolerate in a significant other. It usually comes out completely innocent, which is sometimes the problem.

Like the guy who doesn’t know the difference between “its” and “it’s” and doesn’t care to know the difference.

The good thing about the deal breaker is that even if you don’t know what you’re looking for in someone, at least you know what you aren’t.

Deal breakers are usually reactions to past experiences, many times past bad experiences, and are just warnings that if we don’t watch out, we might end up in that situation again.

For example, past experience has taught me that if someone is going to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me in public, bad things are bound to happen. Like he is going to get kicked to the curb.

Then again, some of them are just quirky preferences that we have no control over.

Deal Breaker 1: Oral issues.

Get your mind out of the gutter, people. I’m not talking about oral sex. Although that could factor in, too…

But first, kissing.

People, let’s be frank: Kissing is fun and pleasurable by itself, but it’s also a test run for how somebody’s going to be in bed. So if someone does the old jabbing, snake bite tongue on you, it doesn’t bode well for your future.

Another no-no is the deep tongue thrust. Do it once to mix it up a little, OK. Do it twice, even though I almost choked the first time, shame on you. Do it three times, shame on me.

There are more variations of the bad kiss, but also keep in mind that what you despise might be someone else’s fantasy, so maybe that bad kisser is just wrong for you.

Another recurring oral theme is bad teeth.

Now, some of us find a little Lauren Hutton tooth gap endearing, but others, such as my friend Dawn, would rather stick a Chiclet in that gap than be seen with it.

Deal Breaker 2: Physicality.

Physically, people have all kinds of quirks about their significant others. For my friend Mike, it was an inability to deal with a girl with stubby fingers.

For Shayla, it was guys with narrow shoulders or weak chins. She can deal with man boobs, but not weak chins.

If a guy uses more hair products than me, it’s over.

This is a common one.

Male grooming gone awry is a big no-no with lots of ladies, as are men who wear gold jewelry or multiple rings.

And it’s not just the ladies who have grooming issues.

Guys listed plastic surgery as a turn-off, but only if it’s someone they want a serious relationship with. If it’s just a sex thing, plastic surgery is acceptable.

According to many guys, unshaven armpits are not acceptable. They’ll break it off every time.

And according to the ladies, yes, penis size does matter.

Lily was out on Friday and spotted a guy her friend was interested in. She pointed him out to a mutual friend, Sarah, who shook her head, lifted her pinkie finger and his fate was sealed. No sex for him. Apparently, Sarah had intimate knowledge of his shortcomings and deemed them unacceptable.

And for everyone, cleanliness is a must. It seems obvious, but if people felt the need to state it…

Random Annoyances:

Of course, these are the typical ones, but what about those random things that take someone off the table for you?

“My true litmus test is his late-night-talk-show host preference. If he likes Jay Leno, I know that there is absolutely no hope for him. To this day I don’t think I know a Leno fan that I’ve wanted to spend an abundance of time with,” my friend Rachel said.

I hear that, sister. But it’s not necessarily a deal breaker for me. Now if you live alone with a cat, have never seen The Godfather and watch Leno, no deal. Oh, and if you wear denim shorts, it’s a no-go.

My roommate puts guys under 5-foot-10 and those who drive teal or Barney-purple cars on her not-to-date list.

“Cheap assholes who won’t tip people who have shitty jobs…picture Steve Buscemi in Reservoir Dogs” was another gem from my roommate, as was “‘Lara Croft is hot’ should never come out of their mouths.”

My buddy Doug brings up a good one: girls who take things completely out of context.

“If I say, ‘I really like this salmon you made,’ and she responds with, ‘So you don’t like the vegetables I made then.’…ugh. The way people can turn your words against you and try to put you on the defensive is very unappealing.”

Sarika Jagtiani is a graduate student in journalism and the sex columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].