Monthly Kent Satire

Credit: Beth Rankin

I’ve dated them all. Pre-med mama’s boys, the sensitive geeks with killer abs and the talented poet/musician, but I would never keep them around because none of them had all the things I wanted in a guy. My mom used to say, “ Leah, you go through boys like pairs of socks.” I have learned from my past mistakes and have made myself a list. This list has helped me; I’m sure any single girl will find my advice on finding Mr. Wonderful better than anything Cosmo would suggest.

Check the items that you can apply to your man to tally up the score of your future together.

Virgins are nature’s most precious “untapped” resource

– Nothing is more attractive than when your man can start a conversation with, “Well, you know, sweetheart, I am president of the V-club.” What girl doesn’t love a man with power? Besides, if you eventually get to “service” the president, you and Monica Lewinsky will have more in common than you thought.

Stalking: What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him

– I’m not talking about stalking your boyfriend. Instead, you should be stalking every girl he has ever dated and/or talked to. You need to track down screen names, Facebook profiles, cell phone numbers and medical histories. It is absolutely necessary to make sure you are cuter than every girl he has ever dated. Be like a psychologist. Analyze his exes’ away messages for any hidden messages in her Ani DiFranco lyrics that could be directed toward him. If so, it’s time to bitch her out.

Eating disorders: Always cool

n Heroin chic is back! Besides, who wants to be seen with a fatty? No one. There are several advantages to this characteristic. You get to be the one to finish his Chipotle burrito or even his chili cheese fries. As they say, “Love is never having to say you’re hungry.” Your weight may fluctuate, but your love for him never will. Thin is the new pink.

So many frat boys, even more free beer

– Two words: Free beer. Wait, not just free beer. Natty Light. It’s the champagne of beers. I would venture to call it the Cristal of the pale ales. What long-lasting relationship doesn’t begin with you and your man being plastered?

A steady paycheck means a steady relationship

– I prefer oxycontin pushers. Not only is it a lucrative business, but you’ll get to meet new people every day. And night. Plus, you and he will never be bored on the weekends. You might as well face it … you’ll be addicted to love!

Learn to love guys with bad short-term memories

– You can only introduce Ashleigh, Laine and Melissa to your sweetie so many times before you have to make them wear name tags. Chances are, if he can’t remember your friends’ or roommates’ names after meeting them at least 50 times, he won’t be asking them out after your relationship ends.

Find your true collector

– Find a boyfriend with an interesting hobby. Let’s say he has a penchant for hippo collecting. Use this info to your advantage. “Emily this is Mark. Mark is a phone book salesman and avid collector of hippos. He’s got hippo T-shirts, slippers, posters and bath beads!” Your new boyfriend will always be the topic of conversation, mostly in dark corners amongst hushed giggles.

A tattoo is a firm commitment

– Not only will your daddy welcome him into the family, but it also shows that he can at least commit to something. Who doesn’t want a guy whose main conviction in life is to find out how many tribal tattoos he can fit on one arm? Now that is a man with goals!

Your workplace is your dating pool

– There are huge advantages to only dating guys with whom you work. First off, the rumors about you two will be concentrated into a select group of people who will see you every day. Plus, you’ll know where your beau is all times. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll both share that special bond of feeling completely uncomfortable in the office.

Your score

1-2: Your relationship is doomed. Get out ASAP!

3-4: You found yourself a friend with benefits. Although the benefits are good, this guy is not dating material.

5-6: You’ve really got something here. Keep at it, and see if you can’t pick up another check mark or two in the next few months. Your boyfriend is like a lump of clay: Mold him.

7-8: This is a keeper. Get his name tattooed on your ass, or forehead.

9: It’s love. Stop reading, go to the nearest Target and get your engagement ring now; spring is the prime season to buy hippo merchandise. (My boyfriend told me so.)

For matchmaking advice, contact Monthly Kent Satire dating guru and desperate SWF Leah Bowers at [email protected].