Rich, young consumers are being spoon-fed the logos and apparel of the working class by the capitalistic machine. The irony drips off of it.

Is this an attempt by the youth to reach out to previous generations whose sweat and blood sustained them? An effort of an over-privileged generation who was handed a flawed world that its grandparents worked so hard to build? Is this a social movement geared toward uplifting the working class? Raising awareness? Making a statement?

Yeah. Maybe one of fashion. Dickies. Carhartt. John Deere.

My junior year I was made fun of for my “Nothin’ runs like a Deere” T-shirt. Two years later those kids were sporting the green and gold, too.

Sacrilege!

There must be a standard for those who are given the honor of donning the Deere. For all interested, I have composed a short list of requirements to be used in determining who can and cannot wear John Deere.

Prerequisites:

– You or immediate family has lived on/near a farm or rural area, or

– You have worked on a farm

In addition, applicants must have had the following experiences and be able to demonstrate the following skills

Experiences (minimum six):

– Owned a pair of gum boots at some point in time

– Found you liked the smell of manure

– Stuck your foot in a pile of it at least once

– Visited Tractor Supply Co.

– Been to Quality Farm & Fleet before it was absorbed by TSC

– Rode on a pedal tractor

– Played inside a bin half-filled with corn

– Let a calf suck on your fingers

– Owned a gun and knew how to use it

– Built forts out of old tractor tires

– Seen multiple animals give birth

– Brought in soybeans for show-and-tell

– Eaten a cow that you had previously named

– Ridden a Bale King

– Visited Moline, Ill., and the John Deere factory on a family vacation

Skills (minimum three):

– Correctly identify a cow, bull and steer and associated uses

– Tell the difference between hay and straw by sight and smell

– Identify three different breeds of cattle

– Throw 30-pound bales of hay better than the local football players

– Tell the scale of a toy tractor

– Identify silos and bins

Applicants must fill out the above form, provide testimony from two first-hand witnesses verifying the claims, and submit it directly to me for consideration. If chosen, the applicant will receive a laminated card, which must be carried when the John Deere logo is visible on his person.

Anyone found in violation of these codes will not be apprehended and no punitive measures will be taken against him. The inflated monetary contribution he or she made when purchasing the apparel will be seen as an indirect donation to my family, their livelihood and a great American company.

Leslie Arntz is a freshman journalism major and fulfills every requirement listed above. Contact her at [email protected].