Monthly Kent Satire

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY MELISSA GAUG | MONTHLY KENT SATIRE

Credit: Aman Ali

To better fit the university’s reputation across the country, the Kent State Mascot Committee announced they will change the school’s official mascot name, the Golden Flashes, to the May Fourthers.

The new name refers to events occurring on May 4, 1970, when national guardsmen killed four Kent State students and wounded nine others during a Vietnam War protest on campus.

“The name change just seemed like the right thing to do,” Mascot Committee chairman Jacob Sprawlings said. “If Philadelphia can name their basketball team the 76ers after the Eagles won the Super Bowl in 1976, we can call ourselves the May Fourthers.”

Upon learning that the 76ers was actually named after the year when the Declaration of Independence was signed and that the Philadelphia Eagles’ record was 3-10-1 in 1976, Sprawlings resigned as Mascot Committee chairman. However, he was quick to withdraw his resignation after realizing he would no longer have access to free color copies if he quit.

Immediately after the Mascot Committee made the announcement, junior Andy Kartech organized a rally to protest the decision. Fifty gandillion jillion Kent State students and faculty members attended.

During the rally, Kartech challenged the Kent State Mascot Committee to come to the stage and explain why they wanted to change the Golden Flashes name to the May Fourthers.

“Everybody knows our school by what happened on May 4, just like everyone knows Aunt Jemima for her easy-to-make pancakes,” said John Darcy, public relations officer for the Kent State Mascot Committee.

A handful of protesters hurdled Skittles at Darcy for his answer. Kartech controlled the crowd’s Skittles slinging by responding to Darcy’s comment.

“May 4 was a tragic day in Kent State’s history,” Kartech said to the crowd. “Making it our official mascot glorifies May 4 and makes it seem like this school is proud of that event.”

Sprawlings then asked Kartech for the microphone so he “could burst like a bubble.”

“You know what?” Spawlings said. “Our committee didn’t even realize that the name ‘May Fourthers’ could be taken negatively. You guys are right, and we owe Kent State an apology for not considering that point of view.”

However, Sprawlings explained that it was not possible to reverse the mascot change decision.

“I know we made a mistake by calling our school teams the May Fourthers,” Sprawlings said. “But we already ordered 500 sweatshirts with the new name on it. We can’t waste that money, especially since they’re made by Nike.”

You can try contacting investigative reporter Aman Ali at [email protected], but he’s busy trying on a Nike sweatshirt in the fitting room at Dick’s Sporting Goods.