To keep with the grand spirit of St. Patty’s day, I’ve allowed myself to become 25 percent more drunk than I usually am when composing a column and that’s ok! Wanna know why? Because today, the regular readers of the Stater, and particularly everyone who’s ever looked at my column, are either going to be intoxicated while they’re reading this or way too gone to even pick up a Stater.

Though throughout the course of this piece I will be increasingly inebriated, through the magic of modern editing technology, it will appear that I can spell and use proper grammar. But there’s something I should probably point out to the three or four people that might be reading this. No amount of editing could ever mask the fact that the crap I’m going to be ranting about here is even more incredibly stupid and random than usual.

Zoobooks for example. What the hell is their deal!? For the last however many bunch of years I’ve been watching TV, they’ve been airing the same damn Zoobooks commercial!

“You can get the elephant issue for free if you act now!”

I could have acted 13 years ago and gotten the elephant issue. I could also wait until my mid-life crisis to subscribe and still get the elephant issue.

You know what I really want, though? A life-sized “marshmallow Peep” shaped like a woman that I could have sex with and eat when I was done or while I was in the process of having sex with it.

You know who probably hasn’t had sex in a long time? Ex-“Hootie and the Blowfish” front man Darius Rucker. My, how the mighty have fallen. To go from being the lead singer of what may have been someone’s mom’s favorite band in 1994 to playing songs about Burger King’s sandwiches!

Who even owns Burger King anyway? Somebody named Dick Burger King? I know who owns McDonald’s but don’t tell anyone. Shhh … It’s Mayor McCheese.

Lindsay, I know you’re probably not reading this because you’re a big famous moving pictures actress and everything, and I write for a college newspaper you’ve never even heard of but … I love you!

I saw Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen the other day and it was friggin’ awesome! It spoke to me. When you cried, I cried. Why did you go out with Wilmer Valderama!? Whhyyy!?

(Note to readers: At this point Nick was too far in the bag to continue, so we now join somebody else’s column about hating the government or something that we had laying around already in progress.)

… W. Bush is a tyrant. The economy is important to society, and the American people need to wake up and realize that elected officials are elected to represent us, not their own personal interests. Everyone should also wear hemp. Peace!

Nick Moose is a senior drunkenly-passing-out-while-watching-Mean Girls-a-lot major and a humor columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Reach him at [email protected].