I’m an online exclusive today, so I thought I would offer a special treat for the readers who go the extra mouse click to view Nick Moose. This one is just for the hard-core fans, and by that I do mean fans of hard-core pornography.

This is the Nick Moose the censors didn’t want you to see, the column that’s been banned in 31 countries and in Canada! So get ready for the gratuitous, unedited nudity, rough language and other crap that can only be seen on the anything goes Internet:

It’s NICK MOOSE: TOO HOT TO PRINT

We’ll start out with a snippet from my first ever column. The one about the octopus, remember? Well here’s the unrated version of the paragraph where I muse about the good points of keeping one as a pet. The PG-13 version only gets as far as the word “assistant:”

“Think of all the things you could accomplish with an eight-armed assistant! Why, you could have him pleasure your girlfriend, get you a beer, prod your third grade teacher in the face with a used rectal thermometer, open a container of prescription medication you stole from an elderly woman and pleasure four other people’s girlfriends all at the same time!”

Pretty saucy, huh? Here’s an unedited excerpt from a column I wrote about stealing Big Boy statues. This is my explanation of the history of the restaurant itself as I originally intended it, with its last sentence no longer “omitted for clarity”:

“In 1940, a Big Boy named Big Boy opened up a restaurant and called it Big Boy. At some point, the Elias brothers stepped in and Big Boy himself stepped out, but as a reminder of his great and powerful legacy, he had statues of himself made and placed in front of every location. Then, he masturbated.”

Too much for you? Well then you’ll hate this next portion, which comes from a column that was completely vetoed. For brevity’s sake, to show what some of it would have said had any of it been fit to print, this was what it’s thesis statement was:

“I like vaginas.”

And finally, I got angry e-mails about my not mentioning Lindsay Lohan in the excellent column I wrote about going to Chuck E. Cheese with Carol Cartwright. What these eagle-eyed readers should know is that I did actually rather quite extensively mention Miss Lohan in the original cut. Here’s what you missed:

“..then, I would take Carol back to my apartment where I would use the old, ‘My doctor says if I don’t have sex with the president of Kent State, I’ll spontaneously combust.’ I’d use the line to get her into my room.

“When we enter, who would we find there but the one and only Lindsay Lohan, wearing nothing but a Victoria’s Secret negligee and a come-hither stare.

“ ‘Why don’t you introduce me to your friend, Nick?’ Lindsay would purr.

“ ‘Is this too heavy for you Carol, honey?’ I would ask.

“Carol would look at me, then at Lindsay, sort of lick her lips and proceed to remove her …”

Sorry. The rest is too hot — even for the Internet.

Nick Moose is a senior Lindsay Lohan studies major and a humor columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].