Remember when Nickelodeon used to have that awesome contest where it would come to your school and Marc Summers and people dressed like the “Rugrats” would make your social studies teacher sit in a pie?

Well, since coming up with original ideas went out with hellish-looking toy monkeys that play the cymbals, I’ve decided to have my own contest wherein I do the exact same thing.

No, not play the cymbals, smart guy — take over your school!

Well … not exactly your school because all of you go to Kent State and that’s a big honkin’ area to cover. I had to make my contest a touch more specific than Nickelodeon’s. Nick Moose doesn’t take over your school: NICK MOOSE OVERTHROWS YOUR PROFESSOR!

Imagine this scenario: You’re sitting in your History of the Mollusk class, struggling to stay conscious, when all of a sudden the door bursts open and what to your wandering eyes should appear, but your favorite all-time columnist ever of America: Me!

I’ll burst through the lecture hall door, charge down the aisle screaming something unintelligible and punch your teacher right in the face! (With his permission, that is.)

Then, I’ll announce your name as the winner and ask you to join me in front of the class for a bit of victory skanking.

“What will we be skanking to?” you might be asking. Why, the obnoxiously loud ska music blaring from the stereo you just won that you can’t keep because it’s mine of course!

“Who will be holding the stereo up on his shoulder like a ghetto blaster?” you’re probably also asking. How about the guy I blackmail into wearing the gorilla costume I stole! How’s that for star power?

And that’s not all. There are some prizes that you actually do get to keep. You’ll get an autographed copy of this column AND gum AND one of my old pairs of Chuck Taylors that look like I threw up on them!

Also, similarly to the Nickelodeon contest, I intend to slime your teacher even though he’ll still be unconscious from when I punched him in the face. Then, you’ll get slimed! Then, Lindsay Lohan will get slimed, decide she doesn’t like her clothes all messy and take them off!

Then, a real stegosaurus with Jaleel White (TV’s Urkel) riding on top, will emerge from behind a secret curtain, and a thousand gallons of imported beer will rain down from the sprinkler system and we’ll all open our mouths and drink deeply of it.

Of course, some of these things won’t happen.

To enter, get your parents’ permission to go online, then send me an e-mail explaining why you think my column is the best use of the written word in the English language.

Extra points go to those female contestants who add a detailed paragraph or so about why they think I would be sexually attracted to them.

All entries are due by the end of the semester. If no one enters, a student will be selected at random and forced to be the winner. I will not be held responsible for any property damage or bodily harm caused by me. Good luck!

Nick Moose is a senior working-at-Dairy-Queen major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. To enter his contest, reach him at [email protected].