Monthly Kent Satire

Credit: Andrew popik

The Undergraduate Student Senate Allocations Committee last week unanimously approved Black United Students’ $650 gabajillion zillion request for Angela Lansbury to speak on campus this spring.

“I know this event will be a big success,” USS member Seymour Wallace said. “Seven people on this campus are big fans of her, and it’s about time we made their lifelong dreams come true.”

Lansbury is a British-born actress who has starred in hundreds of films that four people under the age of 63 have seen. Her claim to fame came in 1984 with her lead role as Jessica Fletcher on the CBS drama “Murder, She Wrote.” Her role is not to be confused with the Mrs. Fletcher character on the “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercials.

BUS has not booked an exact date for Lansbury to speak, but member Doug Wilkinson said she was available to speak anytime this semester, plus the next 43.

Although the allocations committee has a budget of $746,100 this semester, USS member David Park said they were able to make room for Lansbury.

“We double checked our math to see if we had enough money for Angela,” Park said. “I even told Seymour Wallace to use a TI-83 Plus to calculate our budget.”

Wallace confirmed with Park.

“I used a TI-83 Plus calculator,” Wallace said. “If those things could do my quadratic equations in high school, then it could definitely turn $746,000 into $650 gabajillion zillion.”

A breakdown of the $650 gabajillion zillion includes $50.22 for Lansbury’s honorarium and $649.9 gabajillion zillion for miscellaneous expenses.

“I know the miscellaneous expenses seem kind of high,” Park said. “But she’s an elderly woman and she has legitimate needs that we need to take care of.”

A deeper look into Lansbury’s miscellaneous needs includes $324 gabajillion zillion for security ninjas.

“She writes about murder, man,” Wilkinson said. “We can’t take any risks, so she’s going to need the highest level of protection. I’d feel more comfortable if we had dudes with kitanas instead of dudes with flashlights protecting her.”

Other miscellaneous funds include $15 for prunes, $54 for a crate of Werther’s Originals and $23 gabajillion zillion for Lansbury’s Cadillac Escalade.

“I really don’t think you guys understand that she writes about murder,” Wilkinson said. “How is she going to be able to do that unless she has a car with plasma TVs in the headrests?”

Several students have begun to speak out about the allocation request but disappeared shortly after. They were last seen talking to drivers in a white van wearing black suits and Ray-Ban sunglasses. Park prays for their safe return.

“I really wish they would come back,” Park said. “One of them borrowed my Paper Mate Flexgrip pen and didn’t give it back.”

You can try contacting investigative reporter Aman Ali at [email protected], but he was last seen dancing alongside Will Smith in a 1997 music video.