Today my friends, I share with you an atrocity. I am taking a risk to share with you this information, so rub your belly and feel special that I’m telling you this.

The advertising department for the restaurant Eat ‘n’ Park has brainwashed the American public, and it needs to stop NOW. Every time I drive past an Eat ‘n’ Park, my body quakes as I am reminded of the manipulation stronghold the restaurant has on the United States. What is this stronghold that I speak of? Its misleading name.

Think about it, the name Eat ‘n’ Park doesn’t make sense. In theory, one should park his car before one eats. Many of us have questioned its poor name choice before, but few have bothered to take action. Let me be the first.

I think the corporate executives settled on the name Eat ‘n’ Park just to screw with people like me. I’ll have to give it to them though, it is a clever way to sucker schmucks like me in. In a world cluttered with a Denny’s and a Steak ‘n’ Shake in every 5 mile radius in America, Eat ‘n’ Park uses its misleading name to provide us with an alternative to late-night dining monotony.

My fellow students, we must not give into the temptations of Eat ‘n’ Park’s ridiculously yummy buffalo chicken sandwiches any longer. As patriotic Americans, it is our constitutional right to question Eat ‘n’ Park’s choice for a restaurant name.

Perhaps I need to think like a journalist (for once) and consider other angles to my argument. Maybe they really want us to eat and park. What if they want us to order our food and sit outside in our cars and eat it? That’s pretty rude if you ask me. If any Eat ‘n’ Park employee came into my home, I’d treat them like a member of my family. I’d even use fancy plates to serve them instead of Styrofoam.

But the minute I step foot in the restaurant, its name is already hinting that I should get my food and leave. Maybe I’ll have to drink from the colored drinking fountain and sit at the back of the restaurant next.

I don’t like restaurant names that boss me around and tell me what to do. I just don’t understand what I did for Eat ‘n’ Park to do this to me. I mean, if I offended them, I’m sorry.

Who am I kidding? Eat ‘n’ Park wants me to apologize. Every time I drive past one, I hear voices in my head begging me to park my car and feast on one of its buffalo chicken sandwiches (did I mention it was ridiculously yummy?). In light of the wisdom of Malcom X, “I’m not standing here speaking to you as an American, or a patriot, or a flag-saluter or a flag-waver — no, not I. I’m speaking as a victim.” Join me as I put an end to Eat ‘n’ Park’s misleading name … by any means necessary.

Aman Ali is a junior information design major, president of the Muslim Students Association and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].