Senate confirms Condolezza Rice

It was confirmed last week in a 95-3 vote by the Senate that new Secretary of State Condolezza Rice is, in fact, ugly. In spite of dissent from repulsive U.S. Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.), Rice was nominated by a hefty margin. During the hearings, supporters of her appointment focused mostly on the enormous gap between her front teeth. One important issue Rice will tackle will be improving relations with European allies. The Bush administration assured the Senate that European leaders will not mistake America’s top diplomat for an angry badger.

—Bob Patrick

G.I. Joe under investigation

One of the government’s most highly-trained special missions forces has recently come under fire from military officials. G.I. Joe has fallen under Pentagon scrutiny due to their apparent inability to effectively eliminate Cobra. An investigation is expected to center around several battles in which G.I. Joe engaged their sole nemesis, the Cobra terrorist organization. Not only was the Cobra commander allowed to escape repeated times, but the Joe’s lack of basic rifle marksmanship precluded them from inflicting a single human casualty on Cobra. G.I. Joe spokesman Snake Eyes had nothing to say concerning the matter.

—Bob Patrick