Haiku-palooza/poem-splosion-ganza

Nick Moose's view
February 24, 2005

The arty, poemy side of Nick Moose you never wanted to view

Welcome one and all to the Nick Moose’s View first annual Haiku-palooza! Every now and then, I like to ditch the comedy-ish thing that I usually attempt and instead, embrace my first love, the ancient Japanese art of haiku. Well … I’m pretty confident that haikus are Japanese. I know I didn’t invent them. Or did I?

Haiku-palooza, however, is definitely my invention. It’s going to be exactly like Lollapalooza, except instead of being a festival extensively featuring B-grade rock groups that couldn’t get on “Warped Tour,” it’s going to be a column written by me with a bunch of haikus in it.

And this isn’t just any first ever annual Haiku-palooza. It’s the first ever annual Haiku-palooza/poem-splosion-ganza. Meaning some of the poems aren’t haikus cause I couldn’t think of that many.

Now, here’s some haikus for yous! (Notice the deliberate bad grammar for comedic effect?)

n BIBENDUM

made of all white tires

the Michelin Man stands tall

he’s secretly gay

n THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU

fleeing from my house

you give pause by the garden

hey! That’s my lawn gnome!

n ARGUMENTATIVE PROSE

no more full service?

pick up the squeegee jerk-face

you can go to hell

n LET THE GAMES BEGIN

she gave me the cue

naked on the pool table

and those were my balls

n WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT?

unicorny whale

swimming in the Antarctic

I think you exist

n MY FETISH

feeling it again

orange marshmallow peanuts

pressed against my flesh

n “YIPES STRIPES”

zebra-flavored gum

taken from me by a man

now that man is dead

n WHY WE BROKE UP

radishes are good

so are your mom and dad

radishes win though

n FRESHMAN YEAR

take the goat mask off

you should really see yourself

masturbating me

n I HATE YOU LATELY

Ronald McDonald

is played by a new guy

I don’t know him now

n ANTIQUES ROAD SHOW

appraise this owl lamp

it’s made of ceramic

ghost-elves live in it

n WHAT HAPPENED?

“Becker” is no good

Ted Danson has gone downhill

life’s a hollow lie

That concludes the haiku portion of our show. Ready yourself now for some mind-blowing free verse:

n SPHINCTER GOBLINS

explosions erupt from the core

molten

but not especially

avalanches as such

that would devour thatched huts

I remember them dancing

or so I thought

parading near the mouth

piercing their javelins

yelling war cries as I cry

and wait

and begin to realize

life’s greatest battles

are waged

inside

my butt

diarrhea rages like a storm

Last, but not least, because some people like poetry that rhymes, and because I said I would mention her in every single column I write this semester:

n LOHAN’S MAN

Lindsay Lohan’s off the hook

she is everywhere I look

every page of Us Weekly

and Rolling Stone magazine

but she made out with “Fez”

that just doesn’t make any sense

her album is pretty decent

I don’t think she has breast implants

she’s like Hilary Duff except she’s smarter

I can’t believe she dated Aaron Carter

thank you.