Hey girls! Ever wonder if Nick Moose is supposed to be your boyfriend? I do! After all, being Nick Moose, I feel that on some level it affects me too.

Anyway, wonder no more. This nifty “Cosmo”-esque quiz will determine without a doubt whether:

a) You definitely are supposed to be with me

b) I’d rather make out with the trash heap from “Fraggle Rock” than you

c) You sort of probably could orally stimulate me without me becoming agitated

Whatever letter you choose the most of will be the deciding factor. If you answer “a” every single time, please call the Stater immediately. They have an accurate, up-to-date listing of all my phone numbers.

Now for the questions:

1. You have nothing to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon. You decide to:

a) Have sex with Nick Moose

b) Shoot Nick Moose in the face

c) Buy Nick Moose a dog even though you know he likes cats better

2. Your boyfriend just got back from Greece. Do you:

a) Tell him he sucks and that Nick Moose is better

b) Kiss him on the mouth

c) Have sex with him begrudgingly but force him to wear a Nick Moose mask

3. Sometimes you just look in the mirror and say:

a) “It’s so freaking awesome that I’m Jessica Alba!”

b) “Why do I have a woodchuck-shaped growth on my forehead?”

c) “I guess it’s cool that I’m Jessica Alba’s less-hot cousin.”

4. Your favorite part of the Stater is:

a) Nick Moose’s View — Is there any other part?

b) Somebody complaining about George W. Bush or something again

c) Nick Moose’s View, but you also read the other stuff

5. You thought Nick’s column about buying a Ninja Turtle action figure so he wouldn’t just be buying condoms was:

a) About as historically significant as The Bible

b) Another lame attempt at “comedy”

c) Not as good as the one about the octopus because that’s the only one you’ve ever read

6. If you were going to make out with Nick Moose you would want to listen to:

a) Any “Teenage Fanclub” record

b) Scott Stapp or “Creed” or “Alterbridge”

c) Something that wasn’t any of those

7. If Nick brought up the subject of having a threesome with Lindsay Lohan, you would:

a) Have already brought it up

b) Be horrified and opposed to it

c) Agree to it, wrongly assuming that it would never occur

8. You and Nick are going to rent a video. You suggest:

a) The obscure 1987 camp classic “Rock n’ Roll Nightmare” (Not knowing that Nick already owns it.)

b) The terrifying-looking live action “Cat in the Hat” movie with Mike Myers

c) Porn

Don’t worry, ladies. Even if you got a bad score, it doesn’t matter that much. Honestly, if you took the time to fill this out at all, I’d probably go out with you — unless you actually do have a woodchuck-shaped growth on your face.

Nick Moose is a senior (insert major here) and a humor columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].