Putting your partner in awkward situations or surprising them in bed is something everyone should think twice about.

Credit: Andrew popik

We’ve all played the fortune cookie game before. You know, the one where everyone reads his or her fortune aloud and then adds “in bed” at the end? Well here’s a new one for you: Treat others as you would like to be treated. In bed.

This little idea came to me after a dinner with my oldest friends.

My friends and I were enjoying a few drinks and waiting for our dinners at John Harvard’s Brew House. As the beer kicked in and our inhibitions evaporated, our conversation turned toward sex.

It was then, Amy told us a tale we, and the waitress, will never forget.

Amy’s boyfriend, Andrew, wanted to experiment. Specifically, he wanted to experiment all over Amy’s face.

Amy told him she wasn’t interested, and Andrew accepted that. Or so she thought.

First Andrew withdrew before climaxing and ejaculated on her stomach.

Fine.

Then it was on her breasts.

OK.

It was when it got to her neck that she started to get concerned.

It was at the story’s climax when the waitress reappeared, right behind Amy. Actually, is was when Amy exclaimed that Andrew tried to “…come on my face!”

We, of course, thought this was hilarious, mostly because we saw the waitress coming and decided not to warn Amy. Much like Andrew wasn’t going to warn Amy about what he was about to do on her face before she stopped him.

The story is the perfect example of what not to do in bed.

First, if you think Andrew had the right idea, that’s fine. But don’t ask people to do anything you wouldn’t want done to you. So, if you’re fine with being on the receiving end, then maybe your partner won’t mind either.

Dr. Drew Pinsky of “Loveline” and www.drdrew.com responded to someone with a similar problem to Amy’s.

“Because guys are sometimes so preoccupied by their biology, they don’t always take the time to listen to the feelings of their partner,” he said on his Web site.

This lends itself nicely to my next point, even though it pertains to girls, too.

If somebody says they don’t want to do something, don’t do it. Period. As clich‚ as it is, no really does mean no.

For instance, if your butt has an “exit only” sign on it, and your girlfriend says hers does too, don’t push it. And don’t try to spring it on her when she least expects it, like first thing in the morning when she’s fast asleep on her stomach. I like to wake up to a cup of coffee, not a surprise visitor.

Just as I don’t understand people who can’t take no for an answer — in bed — I don’t get people who give or get oral sex, but don’t want to give or get it in return.

For a lot of people I know, oral sex is actually preferable to vaginal sex. And although I understand it can be unnerving to be that intimate with someone, it’s also the first way many of my girlfriends ever orgasmed with a partner. And something guys will hardly ever turn down. So if you’re going to get it, be prepared to give it and vice versa.

Another point to remember is a big one, especially for the ladies. In talking to my guy friends, I’ve realized that although guys talk, girls TALK. I could tell you when my best friend’s ex lost his virginity, how big his penis was and what his special sexual talents were, but I couldn’t tell you his birthday.

This one hits a nerve because as open as I am with my friends, it makes me cringe to think of the things my exes could be saying. Who knows what kind of information is floating around about me? I mean, do you know what’s going around about YOU?

A little unnerving, right?

Makes me think twice about blabbing to my girlfriends. And, that I should have bit my tongue when, as a freshman, I told my ex’s friends that his nickname should be Micro Machine.

It was a bad breakup. I was salty. Forgive me.

It also made me remember my final no-no, which is picking on people’s bodies in bed. Someone recently told me that a guy actually said to her, “Hmmm. Your boobs are firmer than I thought they’d be.” Compliment? Insult? If it’s too close to call, it shouldn’t have been said.

And this doesn’t just go for girls, either. A guy recently confessed to me that he stresses about the size of his chest muscles. My ex, Will, hated his “toothpick” forearms. Another ex, Russ, said he knew it was time to get to the gym when he stretched after a long day and his gut popped out over the waistband of his pants. And that he had never told anyone that for fear of being mocked.

So, unless you want your physical shortcomings pointed out, don’t point out your partner’s. To help you remember this, I’ve decided to share a nugget of wisdom with you if you’ve never realized it for yourself: Calling a girl fat is like telling a guy he has a small penis, or that he’s bad in bed. So, if it ever crosses your mind to say something along the lines of, “Ever think of getting to the gym?” be prepared for, “Good thought. By the way, I hope you got the extra-small condoms.”

Sarika Jagtiani is a graduate student in journalism and is the Stater’s sex columnist. Contact her at [email protected].