Vigoda, Barker and Clark draw straws to round out the “death in threes” theory

Credit: Andrew popik

Late-night legend and funny man Johnny Carson died recently after a long battle with emphysema. Friends and family of the entertainer of more than three decades said he went peacefully in his sleep.

Not resting peacefully, however, are many aging stars who are quite conscious of the death in threes theory.

“I thought I was going to start this off right at the end of the year,” said ageless wonder Dick Clark. “But after I started to recover I thought I had nothing left to fear. Now, because of that Carson bastard, I’ve got to worry again!”

Death psychologist Jack Lanac explains Clark and others’ fears of death.

“It is nearly scientifically proven that celebrities die in threes. This is most likely because they are treated as gods in our culture and the most prevalent real God in our culture exists in Trinity form.”

However, not all are deterred from life.

“If I ain’t gone down yet, I probably ain’t going to go,” said big-eared Mafia man, Abe Vigoda. “I’ve survived at least 13 of these things since I turned 80.”

Bob Barker was added to the list because his career parallels that of Carson quite well, with the exception of when their respective classic shows aired.

“I’m not ready to go!” protested daytime TV’s sexiest man. “I’ve got too many ‘beauties’ to bag!”

Other stars that should watch for falling anvils, cars accidents and quick and painful diseases include but are not limited to: Elizabeth Taylor, Clint Eastwood and Sean Connery.

—Jeff Schooley