This is a guy at the beach. JOHN PROPPE | DAILY KENT STATER

Credit: Carl Schierhorn

I have decided to use this week’s column to address some things that have come to my attention while attending classes here at Kent State. I have compiled a list of those concerns, which I feel not only affect me, but every student who spends their weekdays in a classroom environment. These statements are in no way directed toward all of my classmates or instructors, but, if the shoe fits, wear it.

To begin with, I would ask that professors not expect us to call them by their first names. Don’t say, “You can just call me Steve.” OK, Steve, we’re fishin”” buddies now. You bring the bait, I’ll bring the beer.

I also suggest that professors be more mindful of chalk getting all over the back of their clothing. All of us, at one point or another, have wanted to just raise our hand and say, “Excuse me, but you have chalk dust all over your ass.”

And now we move on to the idiosyncrasies and lack of classroom etiquette displayed by students.

I kindly request that my fellow classmates keep the stimulating and intelligent in-class debates to a minimum. All of that lively discussion makes it difficult for those of us studying for other classes or reading the Stater to focus. Besides, we all know the conversation will inevitably go back to Bush, Starbucks or gay marriage.

And now for a few other points of concern:

• Please don’t sit down beside me before a quiz and say, “So are you ready? I’m going to fail this.” Why is it that self-handicapping has become a pre-exam ritual? Is this some kind of tactic to discourage me from cheating off of your paper? Yes, I’m ready for the test, that’s why I’m playing Pac-Man on my phone and you’re frantically flipping through your notes.

• Guy with the laptop: You’re not fooling anyone. I know that you sit in the back of the class because you’re playing solitaire instead of taking notes. Truthfully, I would do the same thing could I afford an iBook.

• If you wear a thong and feel there is a likelihood that when you sit down it will be exposed to the entire class, please sit behind me. If you are a guy wearing a thong, please don’t come to class.

• Sick people: I really respect you for toughing it out and making it to class despite your battle with tuberculosis. Unfortunately, I don’t want to hear your disgusting hacking or catch whatever you have, so take a day off.

• Every class has its equivalent to the two judges that sat in the balcony from the Muppets. Hey back-of-the-class hecklers, why don’t you speak up and let everyone hear how stupid you sound instead of all the indiscernible mumbling and snickering that we hear during lecture?

• And finally, please don’t introduce yourself to the professor on the first day of class. Are you guys planning to write to each other during the summer? Or maybe now that you two are such good friends, he’ll raise your poorly written exam from a 71 percent to a 73 percent as a show of gratitude.

I sincerely appreciate this opportunity to air my grievances and thank you for your time.

Bob Patrick is a junior political science major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].