Bicycle condoms will be required

David Soler

Can you have sex with a bicycle? Would you be afraid of someone capable of molesting an inanimate object? If you are indecisive, let me help you. According to the Ayr Sheriff Court in Scotland, yes, you can and you would.

If you think the aforementioned case was taken out of context from an Abbott and Costello show, you are wrong. That groundbreaking ruling is the one which put Robert Stewart onto the sex offenders register for three years after being recently caught in his own private room waist-naked and thrusting with a bicycle in a hostel.

But if you take a closer look, Scotland’s officials stop short of going all the required way. Why in the world didn’t they convict Stewart for raping the bicycle? How did the prosecutors know the pedaling thrust was consented? I’m sure that’s one of those loose ends that will haunt society like Jimmy Hoffa’s missing body.

But of course we know what would have happened to Stewart had his act happened in U.S. soil. To start with, they would have given him the customary tracking device. Then I bet you they would have proceeded to have him install a metal label in his door to caution visitors: “Warning: Stewart tried to have sex with a bicycle.”

Not to mention the deed happened indoors and in Stewart’s privacy. I thought in free countries you were allowed to privacy and freedom. But when it comes to sex bicycles, looks like no more.

Of course, in a different case, like the electrician who sexed pavement in public, the proceedings are much more justified: public indecency, obscenity . you know the shtick. Oh, do you think I am kidding again? Well, then go and ask Karl Watkins, who got a 18-month jail sentence in 1993 for displaying the public propensity to intercourse, besides street pavements, underpasses, plastic garbage bags, etc.

After these precedents, I’m really starting to get scared. What can happen the next time I rub my car in public? What if they find out I am actually having oral sex with my Frito Lay chips? Will I be able to get a probation sentence?

Even if you argue that sexing a bicycle is a sign of propensity to other criminal sex offenses, that’s like arguing that because someone meets the seven traits of a serial killer, that persona is a serial killer — incidentally, you would be amazed to discover how many of your peers fit that description.

As an increasingly advanced society, we seem to be reaching the state of hyper-detail paranoia. In our quest to prevent undesired future events, we are focusing our energies on identifying any hint, any small detail that will give us the “Ah, there I got you” confirmation. But unfortunately, this system is fallible and as a result, we all are starting to feel its burden and illogic. Will this moralistic avalanche ever stop? Hardly. Remember this next time you fall in love with your stove.

David Soler is a biomedical sciences graduate and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].