This just in: wacky news isn’t nonsense

Shelley Blundell

For those people “in the audience” who have never written an opinion column before, let me tell you it’s no piece of cake. We here at the Daily Kent Stater often get a lot of flak for the columns we write – they’re too left wing, they’re too conservative, they’re too nonsensical, or they’re too, well, opinionated.

One thing I find particularly challenging about coming up with something new and fresh every week is, in fact, finding something new and fresh to write about. It’s tough, folks – every now and again I’ll come across a comedic gem, or something that really strikes my fancy and manage to mumble on for 500 words or more until I come to some kind of conclusion. But it is mid-semester, and it would seem my senioritis has kicked in full force. So in order not to cheat my fine readers (all two of you – thanks Mom and Dad), I thought that in a Monty Pythonesque vein, I would give everyone something completely different: Wacky news, Shelley style!

June 20, 2005: Web site Gamespot posted a story of a Korean couple whose infant suffocated at home while the two were in an Internet caf‚, absorbed in playing the video game World of Warcraft. Apparently, they had only meant to leave the child for a couple hours, and the game took a little longer than they expected. And you thought missing a class after spending all night playing Everquest was bad! Well, it is, but that’s a story for another column.

Oct. 29, 2006: The Associated Press reported a 15-year-old boy not only stole a bus from an auction site, but drove it along a public transit route and collected fares, too! Hey, I’m not saying it’s right to steal, but if the kid is more reliable than PARTA, heck, I’ll pay the fare.

March 1: Steve Harrison, a Welsh ice cream man, got caught in a “sting” operation when he sold beer from his van to undercover police officers. Apparently, Harrison had been selling the beer outside a school in the town of Merthyr Tydfil in Wales. Personally, I think the man is a genius – can you imagine how much easier the eighth grade would have been with an ice-cold brew accompanying your mystery meat? Certainly would have made algebra easier to deal with.

March 6: Australia’s Daily Telegraph reported that following loud proclamations in which she alluded to herself as “the anti-Christ” and scrawled 666 on her forehead, Britney Spears tried to hang herself in rehab. And this is where she’s supposed to be getting clean! All I can say is the drugs inside must be way better than the drugs outside – no wonder she keeps going back. “Hit me baby one more time” – one more bong hit, maybe.

And lastly, possibly the funniest thing I’ve read this year:

March 5: The Associated Press reported three German teenagers may be fined for making an ostrich impotent. Apparently, the teens were setting off firecrackers outside a German farm and it so traumatized “Gustav,” the formerly quite lustful ostrich, he has been unable to perform his “ostrichly” duties with his two breeding partners for the better half of a year.

I don’t know about you, but I heard it is pretty common for males to lose interest in an “old bang” after experiencing a new one.

May the rest of the semester be as good as, or better than, the first half.

Shelley Blundell is a history graduate, senior magazine journalism major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].