On Saturday, I attended the rally for the Democratic Party. While I was there, I had an epiphany. I am now announcing to the world my candidacy for U.S. Senate.

You see, this will be easy. All I have to do is to say that my opponents are against creating jobs, against protecting the U.S., against freedom and against the people of Ohio. That’s it. I don’t even have to explain how my opponents are against everything good; I just have to say it.

This is great. I don’t even have to say anything about myself in my ads. I just have to attack my opponents. I can mention their connections to special business interests, just so long as I don’t mention my own business connections. I can raise money from rich business people and complain that my opponent only cares about the rich people he/she gets money from.

Though, this may be oversimplified. I would also have to create a network of college organizations to act as my foot soldiers. To do so, I’ll have to create a political party. So, how about the Republicratic party? Not only does it have a nice ring to it, but also it will allow me to keep the same politics as the Republicans and the Democrats.

I can claim to be for women’s rights, and at the same time create new restrictions on their right to abortion.

I can also drag my feet on developing renewable energy resources. You see, I can propose (as Bush did) to develop hydrogen-based energy in such a way that it still results in oil dependency. Or I can promote only minor increases in funding for renewable resources. I can talk about clean energy without having to do anything with substance.

I can argue that there needs to be better funding of education without actually proposing that college education be guaranteed for all who want it. In fact, rather than increasing funding, I can just propose to make loans more available. That way I can sound pro-education while sucking college students deeper into debt.

Also I can criticize the Iraq war without being anti-war. I can ignore the moral repugnance of being responsible for the deaths of more than 100,000 Iraqis, and at the same time I can propose the killing of thousands of more Iranians and North Koreans. I will be able to take money needed for education and welfare and give it to the military.

Most importantly, I can keep my constituents focused only on my campaign. People cannot be allowed to act independently, or else the ruling class cannot lead them like sheep. So I’ll make people feel important while keeping them under my control.

The best part of this plan is that I don’t have to have an opinion very different from the Democrats or the Republicans. I just have to be extremely vocal about the minuscule differences in my party’s platform.

All I really need to do is to make sure that I have the trust of the ruling class. If I don’t have their support, I will never be able to afford advertisements, and thus never have a voice. I’ll make sure I don’t rock the boat.

Chris Kok is a senior political science major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].