As a poor college student, you need to know how to pinch a penny. Life gets complicated. Between books, busy schedules and blow-up dolls, you understand the importance of putting aside enough cash for the true necessities, like beer, Guy’s Pizza and the latest ring tones for the cell. Instead of taking up one of those ads to get your eggs harvested or hiring yourself out as a gigolo, take a look at a few well-admired ways to save those Andrew Jacksons.

• There are always the eclectic “free samples.” Request them online, pick them up at the store, whatever floats your boat.

• Don’t buy that $50 designer perfume that’ll sit on your desk behind your Microeconomics textbook. Go to Dillard’s or Bath & Body Works and spray some scents on yourself. If you go daily, you might be able to get out of taking a shower.

• If you’re running low on minutes for “the cell” that you always tell people to “hit up” in your away message, don’t answer it when people you really don’t feel like talking to call. When you call the ‘effers back after nine, just tell ’em your phone was on silent. It works like a charm. (Crap. Note to my friends out there: If I call you back and say that, I swear, I’m not lying. I really do sometimes leave it on silent!)

• Don’t buy the DVD of your favorite series like “Grey’s Anatomy” or the illegal porno you borrowed from your roommate. Be old school and tape your favorite shows on the classic VHS.

• Pilfer napkins, plastic silverware, whatever you like from the dining halls. Just be sure to do it when the scary old cashier people aren’t looking. Freshman year, my roommate made a nice shower caddy from a napkin container at Rosie’s.

• Look in the weekly newspaper ads for promotions. Sign up for a credit card, use it once, and get $100 worth of free gift cards. It really works, I swear.

• Pee outside. Save on toilet paper. Or better yet, steal toilet paper from public places. Now I know some places have that stupid little lock-down container thing, but you’ll just have to find others.

• Enjoy the infamous fast-food ketchup packets. I went to my friend’s house and found little Taco Bell sauce packets in the fridge, each labeled with the date when her dad took them home. Can we say “psychotic”?

• Hit up frat parties. (This one works better if you have a taco, instead of a hot-dog, if you know what I mean). Hey, it may be Nattie, but it’s free beer.

• McDonald’s value menu – Who can beat a 99 cent double cheeseburger? At a normal restaurant, you’d pay about seven times that.

• Instead of ordering a pop (yes, pop, not soda) when you’re out at your favorite “causal dining restaurant,” get water – maybe with lemon. It’s free and it flushes out your system.

Speaking of flushing: If you’re really short on cash and you have to pay for water, you can always do what the “Fockers” do in the movie, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.” … Just don’t do that if I’m visiting.

Allison Pritchard is a junior television-radio production major and a humor columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].