Judges sometimes say, “Some opinions just won’t write.” I don’t understand how a judge can ever say that. As a columnist, I say it quite a bit. Unlike judges, I am expected to fill up a certain amount of space. Judicial opinions have no length requirements.

Back when I was a compulsive letter-to-the-editor writer, I was like a judge. I had the luxury of keeping my opinions short. It was nice since I am naturally a pithy person.

As a result, I have a few thoughts which have not gone to print and otherwise never would. In tribute to my favorite columnist, Nick Moose, I present these ideas in the form of bite-size columns.

Darkness falls

This past weekend we turned our clocks an hour back. The stated purpose of this “daylight savings” nonsense is to shorten the period between sunset and bedtime.

Before the time change, the sun set around 6:30 p.m. Turning the clocks back means that sun now sets around 5:30 p.m. This lengthens the period between sunset and bedtime. Unless the government is trying to encourage more sex, this makes no sense.

For the love of women

Sometimes, a straight woman will ask me why straight men are so fascinated by lesbians. Frankly, I don’t get it either. I’m annoyed with attractive lesbians because my chances of getting a date are zero. With straight women, my chances are positive even if arbitrarily small.

Flirting with a girl and finding out the hard way that she is a lesbian is bound to happen from time to time, but there is no reason to pursue a known lesbian. It makes no sense!

Watch your back

The most annoying habit among my fellow men is saggy pants. Why do men today have an aversion to pants that fit?

If you truly are the thug you dress like, you have learned the hard way that it’s very difficult to escape the cops with your pants around your knees (especially the dogs-they’re fast).

Any man who actually is uncomfortable wearing pants should wear a kilt. It’s loose-fitting, and I don’t have to see your butt-crack.

But please, even though it violates tradition, please wear underwear!

This trend makes no sense.

Lest ye be judged

The worst response to criticism I have ever heard is “don’t judge me!”

Judgment is an essential part of life.

Judgment is the purpose of our court system. Judgment is how legislatures determine which actions are crimes. Government exists because society judged anarchy to be insufficient for righting wrongs.

Judgment is how we choose our friends and how we comport ourselves.

Judgment is unavoidable!

To claim otherwise makes no sense.

Don Norvell is physics graduate assistant and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].