Ever since I was a hunch-backed, backpack-toting freshman, I’ve dreamed of writing my own column for the oh-so-elusive Daily Kent Stater. I nightmared about how to keep that column at least mildly amusing. How do I hold the attention of the typical college student, someone who can master a term paper in a night or bong a beer in less than a few seconds, for long enough time for them to read what I write?

Beats the hell outta me.

Hello. My name is Allison Pritchard. I’m a deep thinking/artsy/humanistic/war-hating/coupon-using/pizza-eating/”Sex and the City”-watching/screenwriting-aspiring/Writing-minoring/Honors College student at KSU.

I hope to learn a bit more about the world around me this fall and entertain you with enlightenments and eccentricities. I base my opinions on two standards: reason and kindness. I’m a firm believer in questioning why things are, if they are right, and if not, how to change them for the better.

I think that people have imposed pointless rules and standards, based purely on fear and tradition, upon themselves in society. I think Bush is a horrible person. Because of him and his groupies the government has failed with half of the ill-informed masses following it. People are needlessly killing and needlessly dying. Others are discriminated against, in a society where separation between church and state is supposed to exist, all so that two-thousand-year-old tales can deprive caring citizens of their basic human right to marriage. In the meanwhile, the illiterate monkey Bush can’t even pronounce his middle initial.

The only remedy to today’s ignorance is a life of education and compassion — which is fairly uncommon these days. But I still believe in the hope of humanity.

So, why should you bother reading my columns?

For one, I’m smart, and I can relate to people without being totally judgmental. I’ve taken courses in (and aced, thank you very much) all the “controversial” subjects or those that can relate to the “human condition”: psychology, world religions, human evolution and ethics. I have an open mind and think rationally. I’ve traveled and in the process acquired well-thought-out ideas. Unlike some, I’m not brainwashed by any religious/political/cultural dogma. I plan to use my own experience and critical objective thinking skills, coupled with unorthodox humor, to write my columns. I’d like to say I think beyond and well out of the damn box. Hell, I’m in a freakin’ circle.

While I’m not writing, hosting my talk show on Black Squirrel Radio or working on for TV-2, I enjoy long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners. OK, maybe not, but I would highly recommend partaking in the campus media sometime before you leave Kent State.

Anything else? Well, I’ll be 21 on Thursday.

At the very least, I hope when you sit in the back row of 7 Ideas, eyeing the hot female/male/shemale in the next row, reading my column on the art of avoiding long lines at Rosie’s and recaps of my dorm mates’ masturbation stories, that I’ll get a smirk out of you.

Allison Pritchard is a junior Electronic Media Production major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].