One Nestle Toll House chocolate chip cookie has 180 calories in it. So if I skip breakfast and lunch, and I only eat a little bit of the pizza mom is making for dinner, I’ll survive the cookie. No breakfast, no lunch and only 800 calories a day. It’s harder during the holidays, but I can do it, I used to tell myself. 

When I was in high school, all I could think about was how much I could control and monitor my eating. Thinking back on this now, I realize how unhealthy these addictive disordered eating habits were. Back then, they kept me sane, and they kept me skinny. 

Holidays used to fill me with dread. Mom always made her buffalo chicken dip, and I knew I could never control myself around the peanut butter blossoms and puppy chow. I was blocked from overexercising each day because I needed to spend time with family, and it looked suspicious to work out on Christmas Day. Nanny would hand me random chocolates, making it even harder for me to count the amount of calories I had eaten that day.   

The holidays are a time filled with family game nights and too much champagne at dinner. They’re meant for laughter and cheesy Hallmark movies. Holidays are not simply snowmen and hot chocolate for people managing and working through eating disorder recovery. 

The season is full of food-focused events, causing people like me and the other 30 million Americans struggling with eating disorders to feel intense anxiety. Stress can arise from encountering certain types or quantities of food, gaining weight and dodging comments about your body from your favorite aunt. 

Disordered eating is mainly based around control, either wanting it or not being able to find it. The holidays are a time when disordered eating runs rampant. They often include a change of schedules or traveling, making it harder to stick to a recovery meal plan. Realizing that having control over your body weight is not the most important thing in your life is the hardest part. 

It’s easier said than done, but focusing on how flat my stomach looks in the mirror during the holidays is the least interesting thing I could be focusing on. 

My bad habit during the holidays lies within my mind. My mind is constantly badgering my body because of the foods it’s craving. As my hand reaches for another serving of macaroni and cheese, my brain screams at how disgusting it is for me to have seconds. Training my brain to understand that craving sweets and comfort food during the holidays is simply human has been an ever-developing battle. 

I have let my unattainable expectations and eating disorder brain ruin many important moments because I was so worried about how my body looked. The composition and shape of my body is the least important thing about me, and it’s definitely the least important thing when I’m with my family. 

My body allows me to hug my Nanny, paint my mom’s nails and run around with my nieces in their basement. Why would I punish something that enables me to laugh around the dinner table with my sister? Food nourishes and fuels me to do what I love during the holidays; without it I would be a shell of skin. 

The holidays are hard when it comes to food and body image, but one Nestle Toll House cookie is not going to change a thing.

Chloe Robertson is an opinion writer. Contact her at [email protected]