I know what the best movie is. “Best you say?” you ask in your foolish ways. Yes, the best movie. For I do not stutter. In my unending journey of consuming film (yes, “film,” I say because I am most academic) and film-related media, I have refined my palate to that of the finest artworks put onto digital screens. 

I do not deceive you. My method of curation is flawless in every aspect, and I expect the answer of this massive question to floor you and your feeble mind in ways you cannot comprehend. I went up to Heaven to ask God what he thought of my conclusion and he, too, died of a heart attack upon seeing what I have to say here. Jesus took a gander as well and simply said: “good pick.” He died weeks later.

Quentin Tarantino, who? Martin Scorsese, huh? What are these names you place before me? I know not of their ways because their ways do not know me. Someone showed me one of their films and I merely scoffed. Guffawed even. Is this what you expect me to praise? I scoff once more. 

I’ve gandered through IMDb to see what the people have to say of this question. “The Shawshank Redemption,” “The Godfather” and “Fight Club” are notable mentions among what I saw. The highest rated films on the platform and yet none who step foot on this site know the truth. 

What is the truth? Well, it is something I would describe as “peak fiction.” Fiction so groundbreaking and essential to the core of every human being that it scrapes the surface of non-fiction. The movie I speak of needs no introduction among scholars, but I expect I need to spell it out: “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.”

Hear its name and allow yourself to be staggered by its magnificence. Feel the surge of Mr. Electric’s wrath and let his power reveal that this is truly the best movie of any earthly standard. 

This film oozes intellectualism and prowess. With every snap of Sharkboy’s jaws and hiss of Lavagirl’s magma blast, you will sense you are seeing something beyond what the consciousness was ever intended to witness. Robert Rodriguez, the director, was merely a vessel for a higher power that decided to speak to us.

George Lopez and the rest of the stars of this film provide us with heart-wrenching performances from start to finish. From the dazzling musical number “Dream Dream Dream Dream (Dream Dream)” to the astounding visual effects that graced the cinema screen in 2005, this film truly forged the blueprint for movies the likes of “The Dark Knight,” “Whiplash” and “Parasite.”

What would cinema be without this beaming light of technical and emotional proficiency? This suggests a dark world in which I want no part in. For we truly are the luckiest universe. A world without “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl” is one darker than anything the main character Max could concoct in his iconic dream journal.

Anthony Morris is an opinion writer. Contact them at [email protected].