Stereotypical Facebook profile pictures: Which are you?

Natalie Moses

This day and age, it’s safe to say that people live a double life. One is the physical life, and the other exists as pixels, codes and web addresses. The addictiveness of social media has made it a large role in life. Essentially, the profile picture has become a person’s image in their second life. While it does not define you, there is no denying that in some cases, what you see is what you get. Here are some of the most commonly repeated cases, which should probably never be repeated at all.

The “Don’t ask”

Let’s give these people the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s an inside joke when a profile picture makes you say “what the…?” It can range anywhere from someone hugging a shoe, to a Pokemon character, to Sasquatch, to a cat with a witty phrase. Uniqueness is great, but don’t expect many friend requests if you use the confederate flag or a leaping unicorn as your profile picture.

The Freshman:

Approximately every single freshman girl has had this in their display album, yet it inexplicably resonates in throughout the years. Taken in a residence hall corridor, the person is standing slightly sideways, but angled just enough to showcase their totally fab outfit (black pencil skirt, bright top). One arm is bent with the hand on the hip while the subject’s head is tilted back at an angle that screams “neck injury.” The hair is practically still steaming from the curling iron. The smile is so fake it borders scary, but one accessory is always present- OMG MY BFFL LOLZ ILYSM!!

The “Employer Repellant”

One eye closed, one eye crossed. One hand with a bottle of liquor, one with a lit cigarette. There are broken bottles, beer cans, passed out people, and a light hint of what looks like vomit in the background. At the time being, you might be way cooler for being a professional party animal that doesn’t care who knows it, but what you’re really saying is “do not hire me!”

The Picnik Party:

Some have trouble letting go of middle school, so they still use Picnik to superimpose Marilyn Monroe or Sex and the City quotes in their profile pictures. How precious! Sometimes there’s an adorable border or a fleet of butterflies. To clarify the moment, phrases like “T-Swift Concert” or “roomies!” are usually added. The black and white option adds even more of a “yay memories!” feel. To summarize in one word: untag.

The “Kissy Face”:

The “Kissy Face” is captured via webcam or cell phone in the mirror. There are many variations, starting at a slight Angelina-esque pout, to “is that a fishy face or a kissy face?’ to an all out duck bill. Some of the more ridiculous examples are accompanied by a backwards peace sign and have you contorting your face to try and replicate whatever that person’s lips have going on. No matter what extent of the “kissy” is used, it is guaranteed to not let anyone take you seriously. Ever.

The “I Work Out”

Come on, guys. Put a shirt on. There are ways of letting cyberspace know that you’re a jacked beast without the shirtless mirror pic. You could always just wear a tight v-neck tee or use a picture from the beach instead. More often than not, the “I Work Out” offenders do not look like they’ve ever seen a gym. If you have a great body, people know it and you don’t have to flaunt it while simultaneously looking like “The Situation.”

The “Faux-toshop”:

There is nothing wrong with a little editing, but some people overdose on touch ups and the job is obvious and laughable. If you’re going to mislead people about what you look like in real life, at least be somewhat realistic. The orange skin, neon blue eyes, glowing white teeth and berry tinted lips are not fooling anybody. Okay, maybe yourself.

The “Vintage”:

The tone is nostalgic. The photo effect is sepia, or sometimes black and white. Almost never looking at the camera, the subject was clearly listening to Jack Johnson when they made this their profile picture. They might be balancing on train tracks at sunset, or looking off thoughtfully into the distance leaving their Facebook friends no doubt that this person is intellectual, deep, and probably not much fun to hang out with.

The Freshman, Spring Semester

Exact same picture as the Freshman, but the BFF is cropped out because she turned out to be a backstabbing, boyfriend stealing, attention loving brat.

The “Celeb Doppleganger”:

Just because 11 people (nine of which you don’t know) assure you that they thought it was you, there’s a 99 percent chance that you do not remotely resemble Halle Berry. There is a 100 percent chance of people figuring out that you’re in love with yourself if you think you look like that.

Contact Natalie Moses at [email protected].