In celebration of Sex Week at Kent State, let’s talk about places you shouldn’t be having sex…

Top most dangerous places to have sex:

• Bathroom

  The infamous bathroom sex—where you can slip on the floor when wet, fall into a toilet, crack your head open… And have you seen some of the bathrooms we have on campus? Why would you find it satisfying to get intimate surrounding—well, shit? Absolutely disgusting.

• Beach

  If only there were beaches closer to Kent, Ohio…keep dreaming. But if you do happen to plan a little getaway to the beach with your love, you may want to resist your urge to have sex on the beach. Who knows what’s crawling around in the sand and do you really want to catch a case of the crabs?

• Ice Arena

  Winter is coming and the ice skating season is on its way. Hand-holding while skating is one thing, and let’s hope it doesn’t lead to another. Even if you do make it off the ice before you fall down and crack your head on the ice, you have to remember sharp blades are attached to your feet.

• At the library

  You’re studying hard for that exam, writing that paper, or maybe you’re just trying to look smart for being in the library in order to catch the eye of that guy or girl you’ve wanted to hook up with. Like an open book you can read the look on their face and know they’re into you. Time for a study break? With 12 stories to the library, there are tons of secluded places to go to. The most obvious place would be between the bookshelves—just don’t hit the books too hard or you’ll end up being buried in an avalanche of Charles Dickens, which may hurt worse than that paper cut you got earlier.

• In a tree

  Squirrely sex anyone? You think the black squirrels around campus are cute and fun to watch as you walk to class, but you’re on their territory now. Those squirrels are on the hunt too—watch out for your nuts, guys.

• Dorm rooms

  Your roommate finally took the hint and left the room. You and your partner begin role playing as Tarzan and Jane. It’s all fun and games up in your tree-house until one of you end up swinging down over the edge of the bed and crash to the ground. Gotta love the lofted beds…

• Football stadium

  It’s a classic case of the movie, “A Christmas Story.” You’re Flick and the bleacher is the flagpole. Do you really want to be the one they have to call the fire department for because your ass is frozen to the metal bleachers?

I triple dog dare you.

Contact Chloe Makarick at [email protected].