Are you a douchebag?

Natalie Moses

Meet the douche bag. He’s in love with himself. He’s wearing the most ridiculous outfit you’ve ever seen. He makes everyone in the room uncomfortable and just can’t seem to take a hint. Worst of all, he’s everywhere. He’s in your math class, he’s at your parties and he’s taking over your news feed. The influence of douche-baggery is all around us, from Ed Hardy T-shirts to dudes wearing Uggs.

It’s plaguing innocent young men who would otherwise be potential boyfriend material and morphing them into intolerable creeps. If it’s so prevalent, if so many guys are making the same douchey mistakes over and over again, then why is the disease still spreading?

It’s because one of the fundamental characteristics of a douche bag is that he has no idea that he’s a douche bag. It’s time to get rid of that ignorant bliss. Don’t kid yourself, guys! Take this quiz, and if you find that you’re leaning toward the douche end of things, seek help immediately.

1. If you had two collars, you’d pop them both.

2. You are flexing shirtless in your profile picture that you took of yourself.

3. You message girls whom you don’t know.

4. You often attribute unanswered texts and calls to technical difficulties.

5. Your preferred type is anything you can get.

6. You answer unanswered texts by sending the exact same one again.

7. Awkward silences happen when you ask for numbers.

8. Every single girl you talk to is taken.

9. You graduated college but still party at Kent.

10. You take pride in buying children alcohol.

11. You can’t help but fist pump to a sick beat.

12. You complain loudly about how sore your totally ripped abs are.

13. You brag about anything anyone will listen to.

14. Every time someone tells a story, you have to instantly one-up it.

15. You remind everyone that you once dated a girl like that.

16. You check yourself out in every mirror or window you pass by.

17. Anyone who looks at your Facebook knows your entire life story.

18. Tattoos of Chinese symbols. ‘Nuff said.

19. You say bro and broski, and you drink brews and brewskis.

20. You think you have haters.

21. You are so manly that at times you just punch right through a wall.

22. People know you’re coming before they see you due to excessive cologne use.

23. You rock the peace sign in pictures.

24. Your only goal in life is to FBGM.

If you’re awkwardly looking around, wondering how long people have known you’re a douche bag before you did, remember, it’s never too late to change.

Contact Natalie Moses at

[email protected].