Spring break: seven people to avoid or leave at home

Amy Cooknick

There are some friends you should never bring on spring break. Whether you use the week as a getaway from the stress of the semester or as an excuse to move the party to a warmer location, you don’t want the wrong person ruining that downtime. If you keep these people out of your plans, it’s a safe bet you’ll be spared the misery and embarrassment of their actions. The regrets of your own actions are another story.

The Borrower: This person didn’t come prepared at all. “The borrower” hopped in the car or on the plane without a suitcase, wearing the only outfit he or she thought to bring. Now you’re running late for a night out and “the borrower” wants to know if you have a dress she can wear or $20 he can borrow. “The borrower” never remembers his wallet when you go out and always ends up mooching off someone else. He promises to pay you back, but that’s never going to happen.

The Whiner: The first thing out of this person’s mouth when you get to your hotel is that the room is too small. This person isn’t sharing a bedroom, let alone a bed. Then you go to dinner and the margaritas aren’t mixed just right, the service is too slow, the food is too expensive, the music isn’t good enough. “The whiner” doesn’t want to do what the group wants to do, and it’s making this person complain even more. You’re perfectly content, but “the whiner” refuses to be, and she is going to bring everyone down with her.

The Situation: You let your exercise routine slide during the winter months, but once spring break was on the horizon, you started hitting the gym again and you don’t feel half bad about your efforts. You consider yourself fit and swimsuit ready until getting a look at “the situation.” “The situation” didn’t indulge in a single Christmas cookie and has been working out every day since last swimsuit season. All you need is a thimble or a wooden spoon to play some jazz on “the situation’s” washboard abs. Compared to this chiseled Greek god or goddess, your hard work looks laughable.

The Planner: Spring break is the perfect time for sleeping until noon, lying on the beach until the sun goes down and then partying until it’s time to do it all over again. All you want to do is relax, but with “the planner,” there’s no time for that. “The planner” spent the last month searching tourist spots and other “adventures” online and has every hour of every day planned. Sure you can work on that tan — but only in the 45 minutes allotted between taking a boat ride and going to the souvenir store.

The Sidekick: No one knows this person. He or she is a friend of a friend and no one is sure how this person ended up in your group. “The sidekick” is annoying as hell, goes everywhere you go and does everything you do, and you have no idea how this happened. You can’t tell “the sidekick” to get lost because then the friend who brought this person along will get pissed, and you don’t want to deal with that. The only good thing about “the sidekick” is that he or she most likely doesn’t even go to Kent State, so this is probably the only time you’ll ever have to put up with this person.

The Drunk: While you’re sleeping off last night’s party, “the drunk” is downing the last of everyone’s drinks for breakfast. This person started drinking before you even got out of Ohio and won’t be sober again for a very long time. “The drunk” is loud and obnoxious and won’t take a hint. You were going to start a conversation with that hottie by the pool, but “the drunk” beat you to it, hanging all over your potential hookup and scaring him or her away for good. Another beer later and “the drunk” is yelling about the lousy service at the bar, totally oblivious to your pain.

The Dinosaur: This guy graduated college a long time ago and hasn’t moved on. He moves from bar to bar and party to party, acting like he’s still got it and trying to find some suckers who will let him join in their festivities. He flirts with all the girls and picks fights with all the guys, and he’s old enough to be your father. “The dinosaur” is the definition of creepy, and it would be wise to stay far, far away from him.

Contact Amy Cooknick at [email protected].