How not to tell someone you have an STD

Let’s think hypothetically for a second. Say you have an STD such as gonorrhea, syphilis, or herpes. Something serious and contagious. Also, say you have a new person in your life whom you’ve taken a liking to. Maybe you just met them and things are going well, and maybe things could get physical soon. Well, this person should probably know about your little situation. But how to tell them?

There are many ways to break the news, and not all of them are good ideas. To help make the decision easier, we’ve made a little list of ways you should NOT tell your new partner that your burning desire for them literally burns.

1. Mid-coitus

Never, under any consequences, tell someone you have a venereal disease in the middle of a sexual act, no matter how funny the situation sounds like it might be. The circumstances of this course of action can be devastating. You could end up with something getting bitten off in surprise or anger at worst, and you’d probably burn all bridges with that person at best.

So remember, unless you don’t care if you never talk to this person again, and have no regard at all for their feelings or sensibilities, never tell someone you have an STD mid-coitus.

2. On a cake

Sure, a cake might be a nice gesture, but you have to pick your moments. Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, finding out you aren’t the father, sure. These are all good occasions for a cake. Telling someone you may have given them the clap? Not so much. It’s sort of in bad taste and it’s a waste of a perfectly good cake, as the recipient is liable to throw it across the room.

If you have your heart set on a pastry-based delivery of your “my junk is toxic” message, perhaps you could start small. Use cupcakes. Or put “we need to talk” on a cake.

3. Skywriting

Ah yes, skywriting. The ultimate way to communicate a message to that special someone. Nothing says “I love you”, “marry me”, “you’re adopted” or “I want a divorce” like emblazoning the words onto the wide blue canvas among the clouds.

Skywriting isn’t right for every message, however. Maybe “Jenny, you might want to get tested” or even the more concise “I have crotch rot” are better said in a more private fashion. It’s enough of a challenge to tell one person about your VD, why expound your problems and tell the whole neighborhood? Your poor old nana might see it and have a conniption. A more subtle, personal approach is needed.

4. Facebook/Twitter/whatever else you kids use these days

Oh, so you want to be hip about this, do you? Ok, I’ll humor you.

Let’s say you make a status or tweet roughly along the lines of “Btw i have herpes, lol whoops. @Joe McFaceguy, you should probably get tested. WHOOO PARTY HARD!”

Now, there are a few points of concern with this method. Firstly, let’s keep in mind that this is the internet. Anybody can see this. Like with the skywriting approach, you are needlessly exposing the public to your illness. Secondly, you run the risk of humiliating your partner/victim in a semi-public forum. Lastly, your typing habits are appalling.

So remember, if you’ve got an STD and someone who should probably know about it, you have to be subtle, considerate, and tactful about it. And flowers wouldn’t hurt either.

Comment below and tell us how you would tell someone if you had an STD!