Even athletes need costumes

Michael Moses

With Halloween just around the corner, the sports world’s biggest stars have the same costume issues we do. I had a hard enough time picking out something I wanted to be, and then some of the world’s top athletes came to me for help. Here’s what we decided .

The Big Show as The Hulk:

Talk about perfect. All he would have to do is jump into a (very large) bathtub of green paint, and a living comic book legend would rise. The widely known WWE character stands 7 feet tall and weighs around 485 pounds. I want you to close your eyes and imagine this: You’re passing out candy, little Sandy from next door gets her Skittles, then this gargantuan character comes up to you and screams “Trick or treat!” If there is a real-life Hulk, it’s definitely not Hulk Hogan. This man is it.

Yao Ming as the Grim Reaper:

When I think of the Grim Reaper, a tall figure usually comes to mind, but 7-feet-6-inches tall? There’s a perfect costume for you, Yao! The one thing that might be hard to get is a scythe that suits his size.

Shawn Bradley, Gheorghe Muresan and Randy Johnson as skeletons:

Ladies and gentlemen, you just read the list of the sports world’s tallest, skinniest, and palest athletes. Bradley, the former Dallas Maverick, stands at 7-feet-5-inches tall – the same height as Muresan, the former center for Washington Bullets. Randy Johnson, the Cy Young award-winning pitcher, is the shortest of the crew, microscopic in comparison, at 6-feet-10-inches tall. The best part of their costumes? They don’t even need to dress up. They can walk outside with nothing on other than a layer to cover their family jewels and they’ll be set!

Shaquille O’Neal as Leatherface (from the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”):

Just the thought of Shaq’s role in another movie is scary enough. “Kazaam” was frightening, just not in a horror movie sense. Add a chainsaw and a mask, and now we’re talking a thriller! The thing about the Big Diesel is that almost any costume he could pick would be both scary and funny (“Shrek Shaq” would make you scream and laugh!). With this costume, though, the chainsaw takes away any humor. The big man with the ‘Shaqsaw’ would dominate people as he dominates centers. If your name is Kobe, start running now.

Dwight Howard and Greg Oden as the Men in Black:

Howard and Oden may be the greatest combination of funny guys in the NBA (aside from O’Neal). Their immense size and athleticism would intimidate any alien. Good thing NBA Commish David Stern issued the dress code. All they would have to do is walk into their closets and they’d be set. Remember those pen tools that Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones would hold up and flash into witnesses’ eyes to erase their memory? They’d look like toothpicks in these superstars’ hands.

Chris Anderson as Jason:

Around the NBA, Anderson is known as “The Birdman.” The Denver Nuggets center is covered in tattoos, has long, blond hair that he either spikes or lets flow like a Baywatch babe and runs around like a chicken with its head cut off. The way he dunks – it’s almost like he is killing the rim, like he’s stabbing it with a . knife? Sound familiar? His intimidating size would make trick-or-treaters turn the other way. We just need to find a blue, one-piece suit to fit him.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas as Michael Myers:

Now, we all know our boy Zydrunas doesn’t have much of a killer instinct. He’d much rather lay the ball in rather than slam it home. But “Z” has that awkwardness that Myers has in his walk, which might be mean, but it’s true. The fact that the Cavaliers’ center is 7-feet-3-inches tall helps, too. Any man that size with a blank mask and that awkward walk would get me running like LeBron from a postseason press conference.

Floyd Mayweather as Chucky:

Talk about a little guy who throws a big punch. I’m thinking that Floyd wouldn’t like this costume very much, but if Chucky had a flashier look to him, I’m convinced he would actually be the world’s best boxer. Can’t you see him saying this at Hollywood’s Halloween night? “Come on, baby! Money rhymes wit Chucky – it’s a match made upstairs.”

Jerry Jones as Jigsaw:

An old, gray-haired white guy with a face you just want to smash. Seems like a perfect fit, huh? The famous owner of the Dallas Cowboys is a snake. He’s old and slowly declining in his game. Sounds like a “Saw” plot to me. Too bad Jones doesn’t have Jigsaw’s mind, though. Then he might actually be smart enough to win.

Romeo Crennel as Fat Albert:

Who said all of these had to be scary? Although, if Coach skipped dinner that night, things could turn ugly .

James Harrison as himself:

It’s only fitting to end with a Kent State alumnus. Search Google Images for this Pittsburgh Steeler and look at the first picture that comes up. Seriously, do it (Cleveland fans, you’ll be sure to remember it). This is why he’s scary not only to opposing players, but to everyday people as well. Harrison’s stare on the field is like a panther’s – ready to pounce on its prey. Plain and simple, James Harrison is scary as hell in real life, so why should he be a fake character when it comes to Halloween?

Contact sports columnist Michael Moses at [email protected].