The jobs I’d rather have

Garrison Ebie

They say when you graduate college you’re supposed to get a job. I hear it all the time.

“What do you want to do when you get out of here?”

Of course, I tell these people what they want to hear. I don’t like to disappoint people. I say “Well golly, I’d like to work in the television industry and produce Emmy Award-winning programming! I want to make movies, too! It’s my dream!”

Now, I must apologize. I’ve been lying. At this point, I have absolutely no interest at all in pursuing a career in the electronic media.

Sorry. I just don’t really care anymore.

Someone might ask what happened. What is it about this field that I now find so disenfranchising? Why would I want to just give it all up?

Remember when you quit playing with toys? I do. I used to be awesome with building bricks like Legos. I made houses, cars and sometimes even space ships with my Legos. Then one day, I just didn’t want to play with my Legos anymore.

I think it goes something like that.

Sometimes people say I should have pursued a degree in creative writing. They say “You can write really well!” But no. That’s also wrong. The moment I’d be required to write something, that’s the moment I wouldn’t want to do it. (And for anyone’s information, I don’t get paid to write this.)

So what’s the deal? When I’m finally done with what’s expected out of me in this avenue of higher education, what should I do with my life? Surely I can’t just sleep on couches, eat potato chips, cook greasy pizzas and mow the grass forever.

They say I should get a real job. Apparently what I do now isn’t good enough. So here it is, people. This is what I’ll do.

First, I want to be a New York City taxi driver. After zipping around in that town, weaving in and out of some of the worst traffic in the world and coming out completely unscathed, I’d be a pretty well-rounded vehicle operator. Plenty of occupations exist requiring a fondness behind the wheel, but this seems like the best. Driving semi-trucks and tour buses for thousands of miles would make me fall asleep.

After that, I might give cooking a try – but not just anywhere. Mexican food is probably my favorite thing to fix up on a hot grill. The combinations of tortillas, rice, beans and vegetables is practically endless and nowhere in the world do they do it better than down in Mexico. I love that place. All I have to do is find a good spot on the corner of the street in some tourist-infested border town, open up a taco stand, and I’d be in business. We’re talking tacos, nachos, burritos and a special recipe of salsa that everyone will come back around asking for more of.

When I get tired of the heat, I might give the open sea a shot and try catching some fish. Even though I’ve actually never been fishing, who knows? I might be good at it. I’ll buy a boat, find myself a crew of three wandering souls and then take to the ocean and sell whatever the lines pull up.

Given my fishing endeavor’s inevitable failure, perhaps then I would attempt something a little more practical. I’ll get a beach house somewhere on the Louisiana bayou and stay inside writing children’s books all the time. I’d write ones about monsters under the bed and birds that learn how to count. I’d draw all the pictures myself, piece everything together, then send it off to the publisher.

One day I’ll need a break. If everything goes according to plan, I’ll retire when I’m 40 years old and move to a secluded Australian beach and take up surfing. Each morning I’d wake up at dawn and hit the waves. When I get tired, I’ll take a nap on a hammock between two tall palm trees and let the wind sway me back and forth.

That’s the way people are supposed to live – not all bound to what they learned in a trade school or fancy university. All that knowledge is great, but what’s the point if you just want to live uninterrupted by a daily grind of the same old trade?

But who am I kidding. I’ll probably just suck it up one day and get a 9 to 5 job that likes all my fancy credentials.

I’m not graduating anyway. Yep. Still another year for Garrison. To everyone else – congratulations and good luck out there.

Garrison Ebie is a senior electronic media production major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].