Tales of Saturday night through the eyes of a Kent Halloween virgin

Sara Scanes

A nun, Jan Brady, a Cheetah Girl and Nick Jonas walk into a bar. No, it’s not a joke – it’s Halloween at Kent.

On Halloween, no one starts the night trying to become a punch line on Juicy Campus. By the end of it, however, almost everyone was.

Fifteen minutes into the evening, I was accosted by a beer pong table who seemed to have lost one too many games of himself. We ditched him pretty fast.

Twenty minutes later, I watched an intoxicated gnome scoop “jungle juice” out of a Rubbermaid tub. Yeah, that’s sanitary.

Turning around, I saw a glorious and horrifying sight: Sarah Palin, beer in one hand and Trig in the other, getting down and dirty with Barack Obama. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Look for the pictures on Facebook.Leaving the party, we wandered down the street, serenaded by catcalls directed at the legions of girls who seemed to think underwear and fishnets constituted a costume.

Around midnight, we were following Run-DMC into a house on Lincoln where Napoleon Bonaparte chilled with a gay chicken. Napoleon talked about converting France with the nun, Mother Superior, and the chicken motorboated me for the camera.

Again, look for the pictures on Facebook.

From there, the night got scary. Hester Prynne who had lost her scarlet ‘A,’ had now lost her phone in a patch of grass several yards down. You know, right where it should be.

All six of us trailed after Hester as she scoured the yard for her phone. Dialing her number on my Blackberry, I quickly got an answer.

Thinking some drunken frat boy had snatched it, I turned on my sexy sorority voice and asked the man where he was (Starbucks) and what he was dressed as (a cop).

He wasn’t dressed as a cop; he WAS a cop. Waving my hands in the air and screaming into my phone, I saw a police in an orange vest with guns at his hips appraoching me.

I think I stopped breathing when he handed me the phone, wishing me a safe night and glancing back at the intoxicated characters trailing behind me.

Thankfully, the Jabbawockeez dancing in the street distracted him from the drunken Jan and Hester.

Standing on the corner of Main and Lincoln, the parties came to us. Hundreds of drunken costumes stumbled by, yammering about sore feet, ripped tights and smeared make-up. It was chaotic but entertaining . until the ambulance showed up. Then things went South.

It looked like a girl hit the pavement pretty hard. An ambulance and fire truck zoomed down Main, further congesting the intersection.

Trying to get back on campus, I was led across the street into the police blockade, which I was oblivious to. We barreled past the line of cops questioning the crowd, determined to get back to campus: our sanctuary. A few officers called after us, but we were easily lost in the crowd.

After that, I fled the scene with my Cheetah tail between my legs, clutching to Nick Jonas’ costumeless roommate.

Sobered by fear, the rest of the group fell in line and followed Mother Superior back to the dorms. Nick Jonas, Hester and I ended the evening in a Tri-Towers lounge eating hummus and Pringles with Ennis Del Mar from “Brokeback Mountain,” a gypsy and Nick’s roommate.

Halloween at Kent State was surreal in every way. The drunken escapades of a million playboy bunnies and dozens of bananas, which was a strangley popular costume this year, as well as the sheer number of people that show up for the city-wide party were astounding.

People from near and far flocked to Kent to flaunt their favorite outfits and drink their way from house to house: adult trick-or-treating at its best.

Sara Scanes is a freshman magazine journalism major and guest columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].