Lt. Dangle spends the night patrolling his first Kent ruckus

Michael Moses

On the evening of Oct. 25, 2008, I was no longer known as Michael. I didn’t even go to Kent State. No. Tonight, I was Lieutenant Dangle of Kent 911, not to be confused with Reno 911.

The night started off slow. College Halloweens start well after the little kids are home and breaking open their candy. Plus, a certain game was on, The Vest vs. The Bifocals, which temporarily paused all attention spans. Ohio State’s loss to Penn State was a bummer, but it sure didn’t halt the night. Lt. Dangle got to watch the game at a frat filled with O-H . I-O fans. Even the girls were glued to the TV – though it could have been their alcohol intake. Because of Lt. Dangle’s age, he was only buzzed off caffeine (underage drinking – you know, no one breaks that law).

One thing that sets high school outfits apart from college costumes is the absence of parents. I’m sure if Daddy saw his little Cindy-Lou-Who go out of the house dressed like Cindy Crawford, there would either be an increase in heart attacks or murders.

As Lt. Dangle strolled down Main Street, occasionally stopping traffic to allow his friends to cross the street (once speed-walking away after he noticed a cop from a different force), “DANGLE!” calls came from left and right. Throughout the night, Lt. Dangle saw two imposters. Acting like a friend, Dangle himself jogged up to the phonies and complemented them on their attire. After all, What Would Jesus Do if He saw someone dressed up as Him? Exactly that.

As the night went on, the caffeine intake was beginning to mess with Dangle’s head. The going got easy, laughs came quicker, and walking became a struggle. That damn Pepsi messes with your mind.

Perhaps the costume of the night would have to go to a male that rocked his tightie whities only. Lt. Dangle and his force were walking toward University Drive when a young man in a blazer said, “Here, you can have your coat back” to his friend. What was under was a sight that I’ll never forget .

A blow up guitar, Fruit of the Looms that would be tight on Mary-Kate Olsen, and “NAKED COWBOY” written on his behind. Cha-ching. We have a winner.

Dangle’s first Kent State Halloween was going perfectly. That is until the Pepsi separated him from his friends.

The night came to a disappointing end. With the horrible combination of frostbitten quadriceps and purple fingers, Lt. Dangle was beyond cold. With the force gathered around the Robin Hood, somehow, someway, Lt. Dangle was left by himself. Lonely as Akon. He felt like he lost a child in the mall – calling out for his fellow mates, all he got in return was “DANGLE! Yeah, great costume!”

As much as Dangle loved being the center of attention, he hated the thought of amputation. Quads. Fingers. Nipples (Dangle’s bad, but you need to get the picture). It was pushing 2 a.m., early given the event, but Dangle was riding solo and freezing. It became a Pepsi-induced jog/run to Manchester Hall.

After what seemed like a cross-Antarctica hike, Dangle heard a familiar voice. When he turned around, his neighbor yelled “Yo, I’m freezing!” This man (well, he was dressed as a beer bottle) was with Dangle just 10 minutes before, pre-MIA. “Everyone left me.” Everyone left Dangle, too! “I’m done, I’m going to get warm.”

So there was of the last scene of our night. Dangle and a beer bottle, jogging and wobbling to our dorm. As we entered the door, the RA’s faces said it all. “Pshh, freshmen . “

Michael Moses is a freshman broadcast journalism major and guest columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].