I’m Hot 4 U, Sports World

Doug Gulasy

I hate Valentine’s Day.

If you hadn’t guessed already, most of the reporters on our sports staff are woefully, woefully single. It’s bad enough seeing Kay Jewelers commercials every time we try to watch sports on television, but to have an entire holiday based around “romance” sickens us.

It’s almost enough to make us sit alone in our rooms and listen to all the sad songs ever composed. You know them: “All By Myself,” “Mr. Lonely,” “One” and every single Counting Crows song.

But, try as we might, we can’t avoid this holiday. And considering we love sports and we had a gaping space to fill in our sports page today, we decided to give gifts to our favorite athletes for Valentine’s Day.

• To: Roger Clemens – An ear warmer and dentures

I saw your “60 Minutes” interview and have paid close attention to your steroids case ever since. I wanted to give you two gifts because I feel so close to you now.

The ear warmer will come in handy when that third ear coming out of your forehead gets cold – it is February, after all. As for the dentures: I heard you lost your teeth while pulling tractors with them. These will make a good replacement.

• To: John Rocker – A gift package from BALCO

John, you apparently took performance-enhancing drugs in your career. I know I was shocked – who would have thought that a man in a nearly constant rage was on steroids?

There was just one problem, though: The first batch of performance-enhancing drugs didn’t exactly enhance your performance. So we’re giving you a new batch. Maybe you can use these and lower the ERAs you’ve sported since 2000 (4.32 in 2001, 6.66 in 2002 and 9.00 in 2003).

• To: LeBron James – A back brace

Carrying your team can’t be easy. The brace will help you better drag along the likes of Larry Hughes, Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Ira Newble.

Of course, assuming you play the rest of your games this year and keep up with your averages, you’ll make $4,247.41 for each minute you play. I’m sure you can afford your own back brace.

• To: Tom Brady – Laundry detergent

I think you could use some Tide, Tom. It would certainly help get some of the stains out of the uniform you wore for the Super Bowl. I know you probably aren’t used to having a dirty uniform, but trust me: If I can do laundry, anyone can.

• To: Bill Belichick – A puppy

Maybe a little fella named Rover will actually make you smile. I know – it will be difficult. But it’s worth a shot.

• To: Peyton Manning – Some media exposure

Nobody knows who you are, Peyton; you’re just not on television enough. I think people need to see you more. Hopefully you can get some endorsements. Who wouldn’t want a 6-foot-5 quarterback with a laser rocket arm to endorse a product?

• To: Terrell Owens – A box of tissues

I know, Terrell. It’s not fair. He’s your quarterback. You lost as a team.

Blah, blah, blah. Jimmy Dugan would be ashamed of you. Stop crying, blow your nose and get back to playing football.

• To: Tony Romo – Some canned tuna

Jessica Simpson is your Kryptonite. Chicken of the Sea is hers. Use it wisely, my friend.

• To: The NHL – Less media exposure

I’m not sure if that’s even possible, though …

Contact sports reporter Doug Gulasy at [email protected].