I endorse honesty, integrity and sports

Joe Harrington

I was told recently that most Americans who read the newspaper or Internet pages don’t read news. Americans spend time reading about Brittany Spears and her kids or that Hannah Montana chick, but most Americans do read – wait a second for the drumroll – sports stories.

So I think, because this country is about to select two presidential candidates – a Republican and Democrat – that the sports page will make an educated and well thought out endorsement of a candidate. We won’t use issues, we’ll use sports to make a choice. And when I say “we,” I mean “I.”

The front runners:

Barack Obama: The Chicago, I mean Illinois, senator would certainly make history if he won the White House. It’s not because of the color of his skin or the Oprah support, but because the last president we had from Illinois was Abe Lincoln. Because Honest Abe fought for a group of people that hadn’t won anything for hundreds of years, Abe would be a Cubs fan. Obama, he’s a White Sox fan. Case closed: No southsiders, no endorsement.

John McCain: The Arizona senator, who may have been alive when the Cubs last won the World Series, is a strong candidate. If McCain is anything like the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals, than he’ll probably put together a youthful group of advisors, sign big-money cabinet members on the market and hire a big-time chief of staff who helped a senator get a big, important bill passed, And of course you pick McCain to change the world and then he goes 3-13 and you wonder how this happened while you give money away to your roommates. No endorsement.

Hillary Clinton: If you don’t know who she is, you’re probably a Buffalo Bills fan who stopped watching TV after the 1991 Superbowl. She said, however, she was Cubs fan and is from Chicago, but then said she always supported the Yankees and is a New York senator. Of course she said she supported the Yankees after another candidate who is a lifelong Yankee fan and grew up in New York City said he was rooting for the Red Sox, New York’s little rival, because he supports the America(n) League. You can tell a lot about a person by looking at his or her favorite sports teams, and Hillary, despite her experience of rooting, can’t pick a team without looking to see what state she’s from on that particular day. No endorsements.

The other people:

Rudy Giuliani: Ask yourselves this people: Do you really want a Yankee fan at the controls of the world’s largest stockpile of nuclear weapons? Then again, when he was mayor the Yankees won four championships, so maybe that good luck could carry over to the Olympics. No endorsement.

John Edwards: He’s from North Carolina, which means voters in Kentucky, Kansas, California, Connecticut , Florida, Texas, Tennessee – and if I’m forgetting any states known for basketball, I apologize – won’t vote for a Tarheel. They won’t vote for him because he’ll make a rule saying that the Tarheels are the most historical program in college basketball history. No endorsement.

Mike Huckabee: We wouldn’t endorse this candidate because he would try to outlaw ice skating, two man luge and ballroom dancing. In all seriousness, the sports page would not endorse Huckabee for fear of Arkansas winning a national championship in college basketball, just like last time this country put an Arkansas governor in office (Arkansas won the 1994 national championship). No endorsement.

Mitt Romney: The former Massachusetts governor has a lot of charm and looks great on paper. Because of this, a lot of people were surprised when he lost in Iowa, despite being a heavy favorite, and then going on to lose to his chief rival in New Hampshire. I was not surprised, Mitt Romney was born in Michigan. No endorsement.

The Kansas City Royal candidates:

Dennis Kucinich: We know he won’t win the big one, he’s from Cleveland. No endorsement.

Fred Thompson. Pat Summit, Bruce Pearl and Jeff Fisher wouldn’t be able to motivate this guy. But the man was in “Die Hard 2.” No endorsement.

Ron Paul: The isolationist from Texas has become pretty popular, but he probably wouldn’t let us go play in the Olympics if he were president. Every American-born professional basketball player who hates Team USA Basketball has just donated $60 to Ron Paul’s campaign. No endorsement.

There is only one candidate the sports page would endorse. This man could turn around the country better than his turn around jump shot. This man could capture the black vote, the southern vote, the teamsters, the unions, the NRA, the Mormons, truckers, the rich, the poor and the gamblers who bet against him twice when he played the Bulls in the NBA Finals.

Kent State students, the Daily Kent Stater sports page endorses Karl Malone for president.

Tell the sports page which athlete you would vote for president by logging on KentNewsNet.com or by contacting assistant sports editor Joe Harrington at [email protected].