Karma gods please answer my prayers

Chris Crowell

Dear sports karma gods,

My name is Chris Crowell. I’m a diehard Cleveland sports fan. I’ve tried to get your attention for most of my life by growing playoff beards, wearing the same clothes for weeks on end and not moving for entire games – even when I have to pee. None of these borderline-psychotic attempts to gain your favor seem to work very well. So, I’m writing you directly this time in hopes you will finally grant my request. Let the Cleveland Indians beat the New York Yankees.

The New York Yankees are a dominant and fortunate franchise. They have 26 championships. They have been to the postseason 13 straight years. This year, when it looked like its storied run was coming to an end, they played like champions and captured the A.L. Wildcard.

They have the best player in baseball, Alex Rodriguez. They have the most clutch player in baseball history, Derek Jeter. They have the most dominant closer the game has ever known, Mariano Rivera. They’ve got it all!

Well, almighty sports karma gods, they also have the highest payroll in sports ($195 million). Some people hate steroids for creating an “unfair competitive advantage,” but isn’t the Yankees payroll the true unfair competitive edge?

Anyone can take steroids (ask Jason Giambi), but not every team can routinely buy the best free agent on the market. Consider this when picking who wins the ALDS.

Then there is Cleveland. It’s the city where the river caught fire. It’s the city rooted in a never-ending economic depression. It’s the city that hasn’t celebrated a sports championship in 42 years. It’s the city that gave the world Arsenio Hall. Basically, if you are into pity points, we should get a few.

But maybe you’re not into handouts and don’t care about our past. Maybe you have pictures of The Fumble, The Drive, and Game 7 in a scrapbook you show to your friends at dinner parties and have a good laugh. This wouldn’t make you different from most of the country, actually.

But if that’s the case, then please sports karma gods, look at the Tribe. We have two Cy Young candidates in C.C. Sabathia and Fausto Carmona. We have the most electrifying center fielder in baseball, Grady Sizemore. We have a guy nicknamed Pronk. We have the American League leader in saves, Joe Borowski. We have a guy that wears a pearl necklace that is actually really good. And my grandpa will yell at me again if I exclude Ryan Garko from another column.

Oh yeah, and the Tribe wasn’t built by shrewd baseball decisions. We don’t just throw money at our problems. We draft well, make good trades and develop our own players. Our payroll was a mere $61 million to start the year. We throw pies in each other’s faces after wins. We play like a team and treat the game with respect. You’d like us, I’m telling you.

Sports karma gods, don’t let the Yankees win. Don’t let their fans get cockier and more obnoxious. Don’t let evil triumph over good. If you do, I humbly make another request – that you pay for the damages to my remote control, coffee table and heart.

But if you help us win, I will graciously bow before you – and ask that you help us beat those insufferable Red Sox too.


Chris Crowell

P.S. Just in case you don’t have a subscription to the Stater, I’ll keep wearing the same five Indians shirts that I’ve been wearing since we clinched the division. Hope you don’t mind. Go Tribe!

Contact sports columnist Chris Crowell at [email protected].