My first column for the Stater was not met with praise and adulation, but with anger. And why did the Kent State readers not welcome me with open arms? The answer is not xenophobia, as I had hoped and admittedly planned (at one point, the Kent entry in Wikipedia said the city was famous for burning all “Outsiders”).

No, it seems that in this first column I somehow insulted Johnny Depp.

I know, I know – It’s as unthinkable to you as it is to me now. Even as I type this, I’m fighting back the half-digested Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Special Edition Teddy Grahams (the bears have eye shadow on them) that are working their way back up my esophagus. Gentle readers, rest assured that I have seen the error of my ways.

The events behind my change in attitude all began a week or two after my libelous remarks about Depp were first printed in the Stater. I was sitting at home, thinking about how to spread my evil with newsprint. “I know!” I said with eyebrows jutting inward, “I’ll have opinions about movies I haven’t seen yet!”

I started playing records backwards and lighting fires while cutting myself ritually, as I normally do before I start any piece of writing. Just before I could finish the “N” in the “SATAN” on my right thigh, the phone rang. A nice man from the Kent State admissions office was on the line. He said, “I think you had better get down here.” Before I could hang up, he spoke again: “Bring a jacket.”

It was good that I brought a jacket, because it was an unusually brisk summer night. Looking around, I saw a shadowy figure in the doorway; he was holding a box.

“This is for you,” he said, thrusting the box into my hands. “We give this to all incoming undergrads. Maybe it’ll help you figure out what your audience wants.”

Before I could inform him that I am a graduate student, he was gone. I silently thanked him for his jacket advice and returned home.

When I opened the box, I was skeptical. Inside was a DVD of “Robot Chicken,” a case of Natural Light beer, a $10 gift certificate to Hot Topic and a ticket to the new Pirates movie. What a wake-up call this was! After popping in the DVD of “Robot Chicken,” I realized I wasn’t funny, but people randomly getting hit in the crotch and ’80s references mixed with rape jokes were! I took my case of Natty Light down to the local Cineplex and cashed in my ticket to the new Pirates movie – let’s just say those were eight hours I won’t soon forget! And I couldn’t help but notice that one case of that magical beer had the alcohol content of a single can of normal lager. What a great way to pace myself at the party of my choice!

So here I am, wrapped in my newly purchased Captain Jack Sparrow throw blanket – a changed man. I hope you’re ready for my next column, which will inevitably be about ninjas and the always-hilarious Bob Saget. Make sure you forward it to your grandmothers!

Bob Mackey is a graduate student in English and a columnist for the Summer Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].