I owe my 7-year-old sister $29. My best friend owes her nearly $50.

My little sister, Kendall, charges you a dollar every time you say a “bad word” in front of her. “Shut up” and “biotch” count (we tried to find creative ways to avoid the rule). I should’ve taken her to some parties Saturday night. She would’ve really cleaned up.

And she takes checks.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Kendall is wiser and more intelligent than half of the college students she came into contact with when she was visiting during Lil Sibs last weekend.

She’s not your average 7-year-old.

She has a Louis Vuitton handbag and only wears Kenneth Cole formal shoes but she keeps her cash in an old Starbucks after-dinner mint tin. She trotted around campus Friday with her little purple Converses and big purple backpack – which, of course, is monogrammed – garnering smiles and giggles from the students she passed (if I were straight, this would’ve all worked so much better.)

I’m the sucker older brother though. It’s hard to say “no” when you’re dealing with someone who is probably your satirical equivalent, minus a little less than 4 feet tall. We went to the carnival. She won two prizes. I tripped over a running child. We went to the rec center. She got higher on the rock wall than any of my friends. I fell flat on my face in the obstacle course and had a weird ex-sighting.

What stands out above everything, though, is her mouth.

Sometimes it’s borderline disrespectful and nervously excessive, but most of the time she’s dead on. She’s mastered the “I don’t know what you’re still doing talking to me” look, and she just started riding her bike without training wheels last week.

Decked out in Ralph Lauren and Nike, here are just some of the gems that she shared with my friends and I this weekend:

• On the Greek system, after seeing a picture of my best friend and her Big: “Why is your big sister smaller than you?”

• While I’m belting a remix of Britney Spears’ “Overprotected” while driving around campus: “That’s why you don’t have a boyfriend.”

• Try explaining the movie Beerfest to a 7-year-old, and tell me how that goes.

• On why sugar is a good thing: “That’s what makes life happy. Getting hyper and having fun.”

• While driving back to my dorm around 1 a.m. Saturday: “Have you seen the ‘Shoes’ video?” After, my affirmative response: “Do you remember how it ends?”

• On the destiny of floating soap: “When bubbles die, they go to bubbleland.”

• While visiting with my best friend in the emergency room Saturday morning and discovering something that resembled mold on the hand sanitizer: “They call this a hospital!” Later, when talking about how it’s been allowed to remain there: “Blame the society!”

• On living: “Life that is causal is almost gone.”

• And her final verdict on me? “You know you’re the biggest freak in the universe.”

Man, the truth hurts.

Adam Griffiths is a freshman magazine journalism major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].