The first years: Welcome to Kent State University High School!

Steve Schirra

I was scared to leave high school to become a college freshman!

I was a commuter! I missed high school! I drove a red Neon! And then I drove to Kent State! And I wasn’t scared because I learned this was Kent State University High School!

Perhaps the best thing about the transition from (fill in the blank) High School to Kent State University High School is that there is absolutely no transition! Yes, the faces are different, and yes, there is easier access to beer, but here at KSUHS, you can experience all the comforts of homeroom and study hall while earning your undergraduate degree!

Diversity is a huge buzz word at college campuses across the country these days! But you need not worry about that whole diversity business and interacting with different people at KSUHS! Here, we practice what we call “lumpversity,” and it’s easy! Just gather a group of friends who look, act, speak and dress like you, and sit in a common area on campus! Then another group of people who look, act, speak and dress alike will sit somewhere within your proximity! You do the math! Conglomerate of similar people + proximity = diversity! And you don’t even have to talk to or look at them! And it’s diversity!

And there are friends! You’re probably thinking that the friend system at KSUHS is different, and that’s probably worrying you! You’re probably scared that people won’t backstab you, won’t make fun of you and won’t judge you! You’re probably nervous that you’ll have to meet genuine, unselfish people! Don’t sweat! KSUHS is full of these people, and you will be friends with most of them!

With the invention of things like instant messages, MySpace and Facebook, having impersonal, easy-to-maintain friendships is as simple as logging on to your computer! If you haven’t called Joe in two months you can tell him “Yo” on his AIM away message! If Janet’s mother died you can tell her how sorry you are in a MySpace photo comment! And it’s like you’re friends! And you don’t even need to remember birthdays! Facebook keeps track of all your friends for you! Facebook wall messages also make great birthday gifts! You don’t even have to call or see someone on their birthday!

And we have student council! But here it’s called Student Senate! And it’s a popularity contest! And you can write on your resume that you were on KSUHS student council! And you can control all the money for student activities on campus! And you can sit in an office!

And we have prom! And it’s also a popularity contest! And if you don’t win you can cry to your friends and say you deserved it more! And they will laugh at you!

And you can drink beer! And you can have sex that is meaningless! And you can cry to your friends that your sex was meaningless! And they will laugh at you when you leave and say your sex was meaningless!

And there are jocks and geeks and nerds!

And you can pay to join a frat and make more friends! And you can wear Greek letters on your ass!

And you can get a stupid tattoo with your friends who hate you!

And you can flunk out of school!

And you can slowly lose all your friends! And you can stay in college for eight years!

And you can think about how KSUHS was the best time of your life!

Steve Schirra is a senior English major and the Web editor for the Summer Kent Stater! Contact him at [email protected]!