COLUMN: Gay people are hilarious

Aman Ali

The other day I was thinking about all the groups out there that I like to make fun of.

Black people, nah. My nappy hair and bad credit jokes are getting stale.

White people, making fun of you guys will never get old, but I think I’ll show you all some mercy. I pick on you all the time. You guys deserve a vacation.

This week, I climb aboard my chariot of sarcasm and venture into uncharted territory. That’s right gay people, it’s your turn.

It’s Coming Out Week here on campus, and PRIDE!Kent’s programs about tolerance and diversity are already underway. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with people living a homosexual lifestyle. If a guy likes another guy’s pee-pee, then that’s his business. But I’m sorry, if I see a dude wearing a scarf and carrying a handbag, I’m going to laugh harder than David Letterman with a speech impediment.

Gay people, turn down the volume on your Sleater-Kinney CD and pay attention carefully. I’m talking to you directly.

I’m befuddled. It seems as if every two months, you guys are calling yourselves something new. When I was a kid, I called you “gay people.” But when ladies began liking other ladies, then I was instructed to refer to these people as gay/lesbian.

Then it became LGBT. Now its LGBTA? What’s next, LMAO or BRB? You guys have got to warn me ahead of time when you change labels on me. At least send me a text message or something.

And why do you have to be so freakin’ good at fashion? You could roll right out of bed and go to class and still have your eyebrows tweezed and nails done. That just gives me less to offer when I talk to the ladies.

But don’t worry gay people, you still get props in my book. You’ve mastered the art of twisting people’s words around, a skill we minorities have milked for all it’s worth. Gay people could make Mickey Mouse sound like the Rev. Jerry Falwell. You make me so proud.

But what I’m not proud of is your fighting skills, or lack thereof. I’m always weary of making fun of black people, because 99 percent of them on this campus could probably beat me to a pulp (but for the other 1 percent of black people, your mother is a ho).

One time I got into a fight with a gay guy and he busted out with cat scratching. I should have done him a favor and kicked my own ass.

I’m not going to take you all seriously until you learn how to administer a beatdown. You guys need to spend less money on Starbucks frappuccinos and invest in some Jet Li movies.

Gay people, I’m only kidding. I have nothing but love for you guys. We’re all a family here at Kent State. There have been some horrific hate crimes on this campus that have happened to you guys, and I stand with you against them. All I’m saying is, if you’re going to walk around campus wearing leather pants that cut off the circulation to your legs, don’t get mad if I laugh until my insides bleed.

Aman Ali is a senior newspaper journalism major and the assistant Forum page editor for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].