[EDITOR’S NOTE – The following letters were compiled from an informal visit to the Hub last week. Shelley’s responses are sarcastic and not meant to be taken seriously.]

Let’s face it – Sweetest Day is a huge pile of stinking dog doodie. I mean really, isn’t the humiliation and heartbreak of Valentine’s Day enough for any romantically-challenged nitwit for one year?

Apparently not.

So in response to your questions of the “romantical nature,” I have put together various advice tidbits I hope may clear up some of your more awkward questions.

Or render you desperate and alone for the rest of your life.

 

Dear Sweetest Day Savant,

Is six years too long to be with a girl?

Confused in Centennial B

 

Dear Confused,

It depends – does she put out? If she does, then she’s probably a keeper. Unless it’s bad.

Also, I’m assuming that after six years you’ve met her mom. How’s she holding up? I mean, her mom’s genetics are a good predictor of what she’ll look like when she gets older. Does she shop in Gander Mountain’s tent section for underwear? Little too much junk in the trunk? If so, might be a good idea to chuck her now before you really get stuck. Good luck.

 

Dear Sweetest Day Savant,

Why would your boyfriend go home and meet your whole family only to break up with you a week later?

Crushed in Kent

 

Dear Crushed,

Probably because your family is, how can I say this, disgusting. Little brother a chronic nose-picker? Granny have a case of flatulence? Dad feel compelled to share his collection of porn with the potential partner? There could be many reasons. Or maybe he just wanted to check out your mom (refer to Confused in Centennial B’s letter). May I suggest you consider adoption?

Contact features reporter Shelley Blundell at [email protected].