COLUMN: 60 channels of cable TV and nowhere for me to pee

Aman Ali

Now that Fox has decided to be a poopie-head and delay the new season of “24” until January, I’ve managed to get my television crack fix from news coverage of Hurricane Katrina. Granted, turning to TV for actual news is like going to a massage parlor for a back rub. But it sure makes for some solid entertainment.

My friends, you have no idea what you’re missing. Every once in a while, some reporter or interviewee during this tragic crisis mouths off to the camera for some of the best television I’ve ever seen since watching Kerri Strug sprain her ankle in the 1996 Olympic Games.

If you thought Kanye West’s freestyle discourse on George Bush hating black people was hilarious, you haven’t seen anything yet.

Last week, Fox News’ birdturglar reporters Shephard Smith and Geraldo Rivera were reporting for “Hannity and Colmes,” my favorite name-calling show since “You Can’t Do That on Television” was canned by Nickelodeon. While host Sean Hannity kept trying to get the two yokel journalists to say something positive about the crisis, Smith and Rivera cut off their Fox puppet strings and snapped.

Geraldo starts yelling at the camera and repeatedly starts saying “What the hell is going on!” over and over again. He then picks up some random baby and holds it up to the camera asking for the government’s help; I could practically see the steam coming from his mustache.

And when Fox actually reports the news, there’s a good chance Armageddon is right around the corner. I better start repenting for all those Tabasco sauce bottles I’ve stolen from Chipotle before it’s too late.

Don’t get it twisted though. I’m not just making fun of Fox News. Aman Ali Productions is an equal-opportunity insulter. CNN is whipping out just as much funny television.

Take Anderson Cooper, CNN’s metrosexual bad-ass reporter, for example. Ladies, don’t get fooled by this guy’s suave looks for a second. Andy Coop is as thug as it gets on cable news.

On Sept. 1, “The Coop” interviewed Sen. Mary Landrieu of Louisiana. The democratic senator began by thanking federal officials for recovery efforts. But Cooper cuts her off mid-sentence and says:

“There are a lot of people here who are very upset, and very angry, and very frustrated. And when they hear politicians slap – you know, thanking one another, it just, you know, it kind of cuts them the wrong way right now, because literally there was a body on the streets of this town yesterday being eaten by rats.”

Now that’s gangster.

And just in case you miss any of this Kodak-moment footage, chances are you can find it with Google. The other day, I downloaded a CNN clip of Dick Cheney being interviewed from New Orleans. As Cheney was talking, a young man shouts at him “Go f— yourself, Mr. Cheney!”

See, the funniest part about the heckle wasn’t the f-word. It was the fact that the guy had the courtesy to address the vice president as “Mr. Cheney.”

Now, I’m all over the television like R. Kelly at a middle school skating party. I don’t think I’m going to pee on the television anytime soon though.

Aman Ali is a senior information design major and the assistant Forum editor for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].